A Taste of You

38: I Don't Trust You. I Don't Trust Myself

I bolt off the stage. A small murmur goes up from the crowd. I beeline for my office, but then realize my office has become less of my sanctuary with Ronnie having easy access now. I run to the first place I can think of as an alternative - the flour pantry.

My head is spinning from both the alcohol and my sudden realization about my possible feelings for Mateo. I hear voices calling for me. I just made an ass out of myself in front of my entire staff. I could always feign illness.

I sit in the dark pantry trying to sort out my thoughts. I have Ethan. Why can't I just let Mateo go?

The pantry door opens and shuts just as quickly. I freeze. I hear voices right outside.

"I'm pretty sure she said 'I think I'm going to be sick.' Check the men's room. Maybe she ended up there." Mateo's voice says. He is covering for me and it works. I hear retreating footsteps and breathe a sigh of relief.

But then the pantry door opens and shuts again. I'm standing there frozen, not sure if someone came in or just peeked in and closed the door again. Then I smell his aftershave. And feel his hands draw me against him.

I'm shaking in his arms, uncertain of what is going to happen next and the effect it will have on our future. He just holds me as I start to cry. "I don't know why I reacted like that. I don't know what I want."

Mateo hushes me. "Shhh. Please don't say anything. Just let me hold you."

His voice is thick with emotion. I can barely make out his features in the darkness, but I can feel the tension in his muscles as he envelops me in his arms. It feels familiar, our bodies seemingly operating on autopilot as we're pulled together like two magnets.

My fingers find the edges of his face and I feel his warm breath on my lips now. "God, Alise. I want to kiss you so damn bad, but you can't keep fucking doing this to me."

He pulls away from me and I can hear him pacing. I imagine him raking his hand through his hair. "I finally thought I was over you. That I could move on and be happy with someone else. I thought it was a god-damn Christmas miracle and then you showed up tonight. And here I fucking am again. Falling right back into it with you."

All of a sudden, I get dizzy. I sink down onto the giant bags of flour Mateo and I used to make love on. I get a flash of a memory. Him saying something about Christmas miracles coming true and then kissing me. I fought him off, but he kept his lips planted on mine, his tongue dominating my mouth. Then I remember being jolted apart.

"You kissed me. At the Christmas party. The altercation." I gasp, not believing his aggressiveness.

"Yeah, I thought if I stayed sober tonight I could avoid a repeat performance of that night." He grumbles.

I squeeze my eyes shut willing myself to remember what happened next. He turned on Ronnie. Then Ethan. He grabbed me again and when Ethan tried to get me away, Mateo sent me hurtling behind him.

"That's how I got hurt. You...you lost control." I stammer.

"Shit, Alise. I have played that night over and over in my head so many times. And I've wanted to tell you, but the doctor said...and Ethan...he wanted to protect you. He said if you remembered you'd never forgive me and then we'd lose each other forever. Not just as lovers, but as friends. As colleagues. Can you forgive me, Alise? I never meant to hurt you, I was in a bad place and..." He is rambling and I cut him off sharply.

"Leave, Mateo. Turn in your key, take your belongings, and get the fuck out of my restaurant!" I yell at him.

He gets so close to me that I can see his features in the dark. He is wild-eyed as he refuses. "No! Not until you tell me why. Are you kicking me out for the erratic behavior that YOU drove me to or because you can't handle your feelings for me or is it that you don't want to risk that promise ring on your finger?"