Chapter 1
No matter how good Ivan Brody was at masking his face with a passive expression and keeping a flat tone in every conversation he had, there were still days when everything he had mastered seemed to just fade away and he'd lose control of everything inside him. Unfortunately, today was one of them. He wiped away a stray tear from his cheek as he watched the lively crowd from his little corner of the cafeteria. He missed it so much. He'd been once a part of that crowd, the happy and popular. Everything had changed so quickly around him after the incident.
He would never forget the day when all of them had turned their backs on him. How could they just not care? They were supposed to be his friends. After long months of going crazy about who was at fault and who was to blame, he decided to not care about any of it. "Fuck them all! If they don't care about me, why should I care about them?"
It hadn't been his fault and he definitely had not done anything wrong. The thing that made him angrier was that he wasn't even the one who was really responsible for the incident. He was the victim not the culprit. Lying was an option but there was no use in denying it either, right?
Looking back to that day replaced his wistfulness with hatred. It grew more and more every second he saw the happy faces that had already forgotten about him. But before he could be completely swallowed in all the anger and hate, he was surprised by a boy staring at him from the middle of the crowd. The mere fact that one of them acknowledged his presence was enough to dislodge his cold expression. But as soon as he recognized the boy - tall and lean with bronze skin, brown hair and blue eyes. Ivan's anger rose to an even higher level. He faced the blue eyes that were staring at him. And the other boy quickly looked away as though meeting Ivan's eyes could have turned him into stone.
Coward, Ivan thought to himself. It was the boy's fault after all. It was him who had pushed Ivan under the bus.
"He is never going to apologize to you. You know that, right?" Ivan was surprised to hear her voice. He put on his passive face and stared at the curly brunette who had come to sit across from him.
"You're still not playing this game, are you?" The girl asked him impatiently.
"What game, Alex?" Ivan paused as if to think, and then quickly added, "Oh! You mean the game of ignoring each other? The game you all started that I was forced to participate in?" The girl winced upon hearing his words. It almost caught Ivan off guard but he knew better. If he let his guard down, they'd be walking all over him again. "In case you missed it, I actually looked
at you." Ivan moved his head closer to her and kept his gaze on her eyes. "See these." He pointed to his eyes. "I'm looking at you right now. I'm actually acknowledging your presence which is something you've failed to do for quite a while now."
"Ivan..."
He could tell she was going to apologize. She'd done it a couple of times but he had refused to hear it. Apologies don't really do anything. They just save the guilty from the guilt, but what would it do to him? It wasn't like the apology could make all the pain go away. It wouldn't undo anything and take everything back to normal. "Whatever." He said as he put on his ear phones.
Alex knew it was her cue to leave, so she did.
Ivan turned his chair to face the wall so no one would notice the tears falling from his eyes.
After finishing his lunch, Ivan headed towards the quad. On his way, he saw the boy looking at him again. He knew that challenging the boy to a staring contest was pointless since he would just look away when their eyes met, so Ivan just ignored him. He walked a little more until the concrete met the grass and a little more until a big oak tree welcomed him. It was where he normally stayed before his next class. It was his haven. No one came to that little corner of the quad. It was funny actually. Everyone tried to hang out at the center of the quad as if being in the center meant they were actually the center of attention.
He laid down on the grass under the shade of the oak tree and used his bag as a pillow.
* * *
"Admit it fag!" A loud voice said.
"I..." Ivan shivered, struggling to find words.
"Can't speak now? What? Sucked too many cocks?" Another one added.
"Please..." He desperately looked around, trying to find someone for help.
At that moment, two faces were his only hope. "Guys?"
Ivan was brought back to reality by the school bell. Another tear; another slip. What was happening to him?
The rest of the afternoon was uneventful which was to be expected for the first few weeks of school. He took his classes and participated as much as he could during the discussions to distract himself. Some students ignored him while others cracked jokes about him. The teachers didn't even care enough to stop them but at least they knew how to treat Ivan with respect for the quick and inquisitive mind that he had. After his classes, he usually stayed late for an extra lab and a writing class. It was not like he needed the extra credits. He just wanted to learn more. Also, it kept him from going home sooner.
He was walking through the empty hallway towards his locker to get the books he needed for homework when he noticed it on his locker. "FAG!" The word, all in capital letters, was scrawled on his locker, in pink spray paint. He almost laughed at it. He didn't care about it at all. By now, it was more ridiculous to him rather than hurtful. He knew things could be worse like guys from the football team beating on him or the cheerleaders manipulating everything against him. He didn't know why but somehow the word fag written in pink across his locker made him smile.
"Looks like someone decided to smile today." A voice disrupted the silent hallway.
Ivan's heart skipped. He didn't need to turn around to see who it was. He knew exactly who it was. "Nah. I just found the thought of being alone very exhilarating." Ivan flashed a very sarcastic smile for the bronze boy. "Oh, I guess I should thank you for that one."
"Look, Ivan," the boy started.
Here it comes again-the apology. But Ivan was quick to cut him off. "And thanks for this one too." He said as he put a hand on the word FAG on his locker. "But make sure next time to use blue, okay? Or do I need to remind you that it's my favorite color?" Ivan noticed the same expression he had seen from Alex. Hurt. He decided to walk away before a twinge of guilt could soften his anger.
"Ivan, I swear I didn't..." The boy tried again.
"Save it for someone who wants to hear it Michael." He said with a wave, not even bothering to turn around to face the him.
The walk to the outside of the main building was long. And he could hear Michael's footsteps as the boy seemed to be following him after he walked away. He ignored him anyway, rode his bicycle and went home.
When he got home, Ivan arrived at an empty house. Not that that was a surprise or anything. His father had left home for good the night he came out to his parents during dinner a year ago. His mother, however, had been a different story. She had hugged him and told him that she loved him no matter what. She didn't even get up from the table to run after her husband and beg him to stay. Instead, she cried with Ivan, worried about his future. They had talked a lot since then. She was the only thing he had, especially after being abandoned by his friends. Well, until she too left Ivan. For good. Just the thought of her made it harder for Ivan to breathe. He tried to relax himself as he went to his room to lay on the bed.
* * *
"Guys?" He pleaded. He looked at the two of them with begging eyes.
The girl looked away. The boy, however, took a step forward from the circle of students surrounding Ivan and said, "Just admit it, Ivan."
"Just admit it cake boy!" Another shouted.
Ivan's eyes shot open. Twice in one day. Weird. He sighed to himself. He got up from the bed and wondered if he still had those pizza leftovers from the night before. He went down to the kitchen and opened the fridge. Besides from the pitcher of water and two eggs, it was empty. I really need a job, he thought.
