Serkan Bolat's Epiphany

You were standing there, on the terrace with the cool autumn air teasing your hair, attempting to mess it up. Little did the air know that the true mess was captured inside.

By that point you had run out of scenarios to go through. The best ones, the worst ones. They all looked the same. You had made the decision, the hardest one yet. The most heartbreaking one. They had called you heartless for years and right then you wished you really had no heart. But that was the point of no retreat.

You thought of the words you were about to drop on her. Every single one of them was such a lie and you had never lied to her before. But now the circumstances were different. You thought that it was for her own good. You were ready to sacrifice the only really precious thing you had, to sacrifice your happiness, just to protect her. You really believed you'd protect her like that. It'd be better to have her curse you for what you were going to say and then eventually move on, than to see her being devastated by the truth. That was what you thought about.

Still, you had doubts. That decision was a spontaneous one. Initially, the truth was the only option you'd considered. But then... Then you'd heard what she was saying to her friend, remembered what she had told you before. And there was the epiphany. She could never find out that truth. You would never be able to put that burden on her because you knew how it felt. So, the only other option was to end things right then and there.

You realized she had arrived after feeling the kiss light like a feather on the back of your neck. Whatever was about to happen didn't feel like a good idea anymore. But once again, there was no going back. You looked at her and just like that the supercut of you two had flashed in your mind, only making it harder to bid farewell to what you were going to lose after that night. Suddenly, you had a lump in your throat, the tears were starting to sting the eyes. She looked so excited, so beautiful. The last good moment you wanted to capture forever.

She had noticed that there was something different about you that time and the tide of worry had washed over her. You said that you were fine, but couldn't even believe it yourself, so how could she. It took everything in you to gather your thoughts and say everything you had planned out loud. And there you were suffocating on your own lies. You said that you wanted to end this relationship, that it wasn't working, and could never work out. That you were not that kind of person, that career is the only thing that truly mattered to you. That you were still that very person you had been when you first met, and nothing had ever changed. You said everything you could thought of that would sound at least semi-realistic.

Then the realization of what you'd said came to her. She took it as a joke first, but as you continued, she knew it wasn't. The tears came out of her eyes. She wondered what had happened to love, to trust, to everything you'd been through lately. And all you could do was to  repeat again and again, sounding like a broken record, that you were not that kind of person, that you truly were the 'insensitive robot'. If only it was true... It wouldn't hurt so much then. But every word was only adding insult to injury.

And when the reality you both knew had collapsed, she came up to you and asked for only one thing. To say it once again, looking straight into her eyes. You knew that you just couldn't. A person couldn't be more crushed inside than you were back then. But you also knew that if you hesitated, she wouldn't believe that nonsense, and that torture would be for nothing. So, once again you'd gathered everything you had left in you and said it without a single blink of an eye. 'It is over.'

Back then, the terrace had witnessed two people with broken hearts and destroyed dreams standing for a moment in the loudest silence that had ever existed. And then she said something she had said so many times before. 'I hate you.' Only she really meant it that time. She walked away and you were standing there, trying to convince yourself that you'd done the right thing, that it was all for the better. Still, the void big as universe was settling in the place where once your heart was. There was no sense of holding back the tears anymore...

You had told her once that she was your air. You really meant it. And now she was gone. You had made her leave. Memories were the only thing left of her. But watching her walk out that door made you realize that you didn't know how to live without her.

That was your true epiphany. And now you have to live with it but without her...