How To Never Stop Being Sad

Step 1 : Overanalyse everything

''Scream into the darkness that you exist'' they say. Ha. Laugh at their naiveness, it's funny at this point. Why scream at something you created? or did you? Is it your fault that you talk down on yourself ''my life is shit because I deserve it, right?''. You must have fucked up pretty bad, but it's almost impossible for you to sob now. So you pray for that one second of warmth. The warmth of equally returned love. Not just from anyone, you want to feel love from that one specific person. You want to be the cause for their smile. The cause for their excitement, their happiness. You want to be what they are to you, but you aren't....

You talk everyday, but the conversations...meaningless and yet when they reply your heart skips with joy. Is the feeling mutual? you'll never know. It's probably not, but the glimpse of hope that it is, is what's keeping you alive. Is this is a sign of things going wrong? maybe, but who cares it can't get any worse. So you stay up till early hours of the morning, listening to the mixtapes they made you, thinking, thinking? more like overanalysing everything, what they say, how they act around you. Those are two different things. They message you, but they're distant. Did you scare them away? Did you share too much about your pathetic self? Or do they just wanna remain friends? Yet when you're with them you're filled with happiness and so are they. You find comfort within their being. You're surrounded by a euphoric feeling that you know will be stripped away from you as soon as you get home, but that's what thrills you, you stay for that feeling of aliveness, adrenaline and short lived yet fulfilling feeling of freedom.

Is this one sided? That thought crosses your mind a lot. It can't be, surely it's not. It wouldn't make sense if it was. Why would they give you their sweater and tell you to keep it? Was it because they actually didn't want you to be cold and they were being a decent human being? Or does it mean something more? Does it mean that they want to be on your mind? That they want you to remember them? Your brain hurts from thinking, yet you can't stop. It's your fault you get attached so easily. Not theirs. Yet you sit on your bed wearing their sweater. Is this what they intended to happen when they gave it to me? It still smells like them. Their scent is intoxicating. You find comfort in the warm feeling running through your body. Its like smelling manufactured love.

Stay up every single night, looking at your phone. Hoping. Hoping for that buzz, that buzz full of hope and short lived excitement as you realise it's not them who is writing to you, instead it's another useless notification about another celebrity's scandal. That  familiar blinding white light shining from your phone illuminates your disappointed face for hours on end, as you scroll through the same two applications, looking at pointless words and pictures on a screen. Sometimes you send them a random post and they reply with hearts. What does that really mean? Their reaction makes you happy right? Only for a split second though. Nothing is ever enough for you.''You can't psychoanalyse everything'' they say, but you beg to differ because everything has a deeper meaning. You know that. The thought of you missing a sign, any sign, good or bad, scares you. So that's why you overanalyse everything they say, even if it fuels the emptiness you feel when you're not by their side.