She rarely relied on others to take care of the kids, at least she didn't remember doing it so often as now. Her hands were shaking as she helped her mom pile the two kids into her car. She felt panicky, like she was running out of time.
"Hey Mom, thanks for this. I appreciate it." She shoved her hands deep into her pockets to see if the little package was still there. When she felt the clingy plastic, she sighed and relaxed marginally. It made her hungry just thinking about it, but she didn't want the kids to see.
"Yeah, whatever honey. What are you going ot tell the judge this time?" Her mom asked after she shut the minivan doors. That minivan still bothered her. It was the minivan that brought her to the hospital when her son was born. It was in that van that her mom had made her choose.
"What are you talking about?" She said, voice high she stared at the van.
"Look at you, You're a wreak. When was the last time you even had a shower?"
"Mom, I've been busy, I have kids you know."
"No, I don't know. I had kids but it never required me to be a cocaine user."
"Fuck off Mom, you know? You're just this snooty, whatever," she said. She couldn't remember what she was going to say just then but she rubbed her thumb over the plastic package and she shook it off. "Mom, whatever. Believe what you want but I'm not using again. I woudn't do that to my kids," she said. They'll never find out, they're just kids,she thought.
"Whatever honey, you have a week to make a decision. I'm going to take the kids until then. If you don't get yourself cleaned up, you're going to have a choice."
Sneering she said, "Oh yeah? What's that?"
"You can sign some papers saying that you'll let me take the kids and be their legal guardian-"
"Yeah right!"
"-Or, I will go to court."
She swallowed hard, crossed her arms and stared at her mother, still hating the goddamn minivan where she'd given her the same choice for the first time. 'You'll clean yourself up or the minute that baby's out you're going to lose him.' Her jaw hardened.
"You hear me?" Her mother was almost screaming, almost.
"Yeah, I hear you." She turned and walked to her home, determined. This is the last time.
She sat on her couch and pulled the plastic baggie out of her pocket.
She stared at it for over an hour.
Slowly she opened the zip lock so as not to spill it. She poured it out on the dirty living room table. She pulled a blade out from under the table, hidden under the old table's moulding. Slowly she lined the cocaine up in lines, six in total.
She looked at the lines, admiring them for a moment.
Cocaine left sores in her nose so she pulled out a straw and pushed it into her nose past the sores. Slowly she made the lines disappear.
She lay back on the couch, her eyes closing slowly.
Her body grew cold, the warmth dissipating into the air. Her body growing rigid and pale, she would never use cocaine again.
