journal of sorts

10-20-20 || 7:43 pm

I want to introduce myself to absolutely no one.

Hi, my name is Katie. I'm from the USA and I'm fully European. I have dark brown hair and pale green eyes. I'm 15 years old, 5 ft 6.5 inches tall. I'm also around 270 lbs (roughly 122.5 kilos).

I'm a huge kpop fan, as in I love groups like BTS and Blackpink. I look at them and I see these beautifully made human beings, they're skinny, have ethereal facial complexions and talents among imagine-able. I just got done watching the documentary about Blackpink on Netflix. When I watched that movie, all I saw were these hardworking beautiful girls who pushed as many hardships as an 83 year old man. Yet, these women are only on their first half of their twenties.

I want to be like an Idol from South Korea. I probably sound like a Korea-boo, but I like the diversity between there and the US. Here, people get recognized by youtube videos and shit. They don't go through training or scouting like South Korean Idols do. People in South Korea are hand picked and are the best of the best.

One definite difference between them and I is my weight. I weigh more than half of what I should. If I ever did lose enough to be considered a good weight, I'd have tons of excess skin. Excess skin, doesn't just go away. You have to get skin removal, which leaves scars. To get scars removed you have to get plastic surgery. And even then, my skin would still be saggy in places. I could never amount to someone even close to them, and I never will.

My family always tells me it's better to lose weight, and that I'm fat. I know I am and it'll never change.

So, welcome to my life.