Hold You Tight

I don't recall how it started. I don't remember anything at all. I don't remember when nor how, I just knew it happened. So fast. So suddenly. 

You were playful, you were mischievous. You were surprising. You were fast. And I knew you were trouble. 

You took me by surprise. You didn't came so suddenly but my feelings did. Right from the start, from the moment we first met, I knew that you were trouble. You were a hurricane, leaving a mess wherever you go. 

But why? Why were you pulling me towards you? I think you were a magnet, pulling me, sucking me into your mess. Swiftly. Willingly. 

I couldn't help it. You were dragging me into every mess, you were dragging me towards you. And like the stupid person that I am, I let myself be drawn towards you. That's how weak I am.

I am weak for you.

In every mess you make, in every trouble you were in, I was always the first person you go to. Each time. Every time. All the time. I fix every mess you make. I get you out of trouble every time.

I don't know how people were telling me that I was the only person that could control you. It really wonders me how people could think that, how people could make analogies like you were the dog and I, your owner. I don't really know. It's a wonder, really. In fact, it was the other way around. I was the dog and you were my owner.

That's right. You own me. You just didn't knew it but I gave myself willingly to you.

So, how did I realize all this? When? That also I didn't know. It was one of the great mysteries of life, of my life at the very least.

I think one day I woke up with a sudden realization. I realized that it was you that I could think about that day. I realized that every morning, every night, every single time, it was you that I could think about. It was you that I look first in the morning or the last person I wished to see before I walk home. I realized that I was wishing that I was the only person that you were talking to or at the very least, the first and last person you would talk or chat to every day.

Everywhere I go, everywhere I look, I see after images of you. I see you. I want to see you. I wished to see you. You are the first person that I look for in every place I go. It would seem like my eyes would wander everywhere just to look for you.

I realized that I was caring for you, making sure that you were alright and made sure that you were out of trouble every time. At first, I thought it was out of responsibility but if so, why would I care about you when I couldn't careless about anyone else.

Then. I knew. I just knew. You were the exception.

You own me. I give my self to you. I give my heart to you.

That was the truth.

You are my owner. You are my anchor. You are the one that ties me down. Keeping me in place.

And I- I am that person who's madly in love with you.

That's why I couldn't believe that I was the one that could control you. You are a mad man. If you were a dog, you would be the mad dog. You couldn't be controlled. You couldn't be stopped. You couldn't be owned.

Or at least, I can't own you.

Then she came to the narrative. Shimizu was beautiful, indeed. She was undeniably amazing. Breathtaking. Even I could be at a loss for words whenever I see or even talk to her. She was extremely attractive. She could turn the heads of not just males, but also the females.

And she was able to turn your head.

Who would have taught, the mad dog, the untamable, would suddenly be brought down to his knees.

What a sight!

Truly, life is full of ironies. It was satirical, to add.

From the first day you met, you declared your love for her. Stating that it was love at first sight. You started to chase her around. You were gushing everytime. Every word you spoke. Every thought you had. It was full of her. And that broke me.

It was funny. I was there. I was here  Every time. Every single time. I was here. I am here. Beside you. But all my chances blew, faded to thin air, when she came along. How unfair it was.

Shimizu blew all my chances. But how could I hate her? It wasn't her fault. She didn't do anything wrong. She didn't do me wrong. She was doing her job, a great job in fact, as our manager. And you- you fell for her all on your own.

Oh how I wish that could be me.

I longed for Shimizu's place in your heart. But I know you. You were too hard headed. You cannot be bended. Cannot be influenced so easily. And there was nothing I could do to make you like me.

So I watched.

I watched as you simped for her. Chased her. Longed for her. I watched how you love her every day.

And every day. Every single day. My heart cracked. Broke. Shattered. Pulverised.

But I kept mum. I knew my place. I know my only role in life was to keep you level headed, to keep your troubled waters calm and to make sure you were out of harm's way. That was what I am to you.

I wasn't even your best friend. Not even your friend. That role was already filled a long time ago. I was only your go-to person. Your daddy-long-legs.

And one day, as I was watching you, there I met a pair of eyes who were same as mine.

Kanoka.

We had the same pair of eyes, the eyes who had a deep loneliness and sadness. I knew we shared the same pain- loving the same person.

We talked. Both of us sharing the same sentiments. Sharing the same knowledge of you liking someone else.

Then we decided to start seeing each other. Nothing romantic. Just something platonic. Something friends normally do. Though, I don't know if we really are friends. But there is one thing we both know of.

Both of us. Kanoka and I. We are two broken hearts wandering together. Sharing the same pain. Sharing the same loneliness. Loving the same man.

Both of us were lost. But she and I had each other.

I think we both thought that it was better to be lost together than to be lost alone.

So we wandered together while watching you hit off with Shimizu. Kanoka's love and mine were different but we had a common ground. We wanted you to he happy. To love and be loved. Even if it wasn't us who could stand beside you at the end, at least we were able to watch you from the sidelines.

Honestly. Being with Kanoka was nice. I like her. But I think it was because she was me and I was her, in a sense. We had so many similarities and we could easily carry a conversation without getting tiredbor bored of it.

I wanted to love her. She wanted to love me. But we knew it couldn't be.

Because our hearts belonged to you.

For a long time, we continued this charade of ours. Both Kanoka and I continued our secret rendezvous. You continued to chase for the one you love, Shimizu. And we continued to love you from a distance. Everything carried on. Everything continued to be normal. I continued to play my part and carry on my role in your life.

And you, after everything I've been through, acted normal.

Because you will never know.

This isn't a story, instead, a mere narrative. This is a sad narrative of my unrequited love. A sad and lonely narrative of my romance. And that's because you love her.

And I-

I just love you.