20 Pages Of Love

Letter 6

Apologies for never being satisfied with my work, but it means a lot to see you guys still enjoying it x
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Dustin got up from his chair and made his way out of the room without trying to step on something important. The floor was covered with musical instruments and music sheets, tearing one or breaking something could change things vastly. Carefully he stepped out and peeked his head out from the top of the stairs.

"Dude? Are you drinking like a whole gallon of water?" He laughed. "You've been gone for 10 minutes now."

"Coming coming, just got lost in my thoughts." Kendall admitted.

He was a mess. His hair was sticking up from every angle possible and his eyes were full of sleep but yet the boy was sleepless. He had nothing figured out, but he still agreed to work with a big label. Just holding his guitar and losing himself in tunes gave him hope, so why not, he kept thinking.

"And man, what's with all the scrunched up papers?" Dustin asked with much curiosity filling his eyes.

Kendall had forgotten about them and only hoped that Dustin didn't try reading any of them. It had been exactly a week since he had last written to Amelia, and the previous night when he had attempted, he just couldn't bring it all together.

"Was working on a new song." He lied. "Wasn't quite working out." He muttered, followed by a nervous laugh. "Hey listen, I'm sort of tired. Can we continue tomorrow? That'd be great."

Dustin had agreed and had soon left, and surprisingly enough Kendall's tiredness left with Dustin. His body relaxed as he picked up his guitar, however it wasn't long before the guitar was replaced with a pen and paper. On the back of an familiar old piece of music sheet, he began writing.

Beautiful, hey.

How do I start this? I've written it a few times but my heart just isn't too into it. To give you some sunshine I'm writing behind this music sheet. It's an old song I had written for you, remember how much you loved it? I miss you, I miss a lot of things about you. Read this, it's a light apology.

Reason #6: Career. A successful career, is all I wanted. And all you found joy in was supporting me. This letter and reason won't run over you like a truck, if anything it'll make your heart fill lighter, I hope.

I cannot apologise enough for how much I had changed, and there is none to blame but my career. It changed me, baby girl. It forced me to be someone I'm not. All it gave me was judgments and harsh reality, yet I never decided to push it away, even after I had started to realise what it was doing to me. All because I can't forget the look on your face, the one you'd wear every time I'd let you listen to a new song of mine. I'm sorry I let it change me and I'm sorry I chose it over you. I could've chosen you and shut the people who judged me all the time, but I didn't. They are still a part of my life but where are you? They are still judging me, and maybe so are you but why doesn't that make me stop loving you? I don't know how you are, and I don't know who you're making happy but I do know that leaving you that night was a mistake. This doesn't sound so harsh after the other letters, now does it? But don't get your hopes up my sweet, things only go down hill in my life, but this time I'm making a selfish choice of bringing you with me. I get lonely too, sometimes. I need someone to hold me, and tell me that all I've done is nothing wrong, it's just a phase I went through that made me keep it all in but that doesn't happen. The only way I continue to breathe is by giving myself life with these letters. This reason is not as valid, but it's still a reason to why the spaces between your fingers are empty.

How terrible does it sound, that the thing I did that made you the happiest changed me into someone I wasn't. And that it took me away from the sweet things and pushed me into a dark hole causing you to come with me. It's very heavy on my heart, but do these letters push the weight off your chest? Do they create a path for me to follow in? I hope they do, even though it's a big move to ask for your apology. I feel like a child asking for your love in every single letter but Amelia that's all I need for now, I need you to hold me. Tell me that I'm no longer the monster I once became and you love me twice as much.

My career is still keeping me strong like you use to once. It may have caused all this craziness but I still need it to keep me going. For every nasty hidden truth you've learned so far;

I am incredibly sorry.

I'm doing okay I think, but are you?
Lots and lots of love,
Kendall.