It's gonna be okay

I was sitting in my room alone. For a while I didn't even know where I am. It felt like I escaped my own body. Like I didn't exist. For those few moments I felt nothing. I didn't feel the pain anymore. I didn't feel this sadness that took over me. I just didn't feel. I was sitting in my room with lights off. That's what I always do. I get into my bed, I lay down and I escape this all with music. But this time... This time it was different. I just laid down with my eyes wild open looking at nothing. It was all black. Usually this would drive my mind into a very dark place with a lot of thoughts that I wanted to escape. But this time... This time I escaped... I didn't feel, I didn't think, didn't hear nor did I see. It was peaceful. It was calm. It was like it all finally stopped. It was scary but also comforting. And then I came back. It all came back twice as strong... Is this normal? I don't know. I see all those happy people and feel like there's something wrong with me for feeling this way... But then I see those people who feel the same way as I do... And that's what terrifies me. I know I'm not alone and that eases the pain. But at the same time. It's terrifying how many people wish they were dead. How many people feel broken. Sometimes it feels like I should give up. Like nothing can change. Nothing can get better. But deep down I know it will. I want to believe it will. Because if nothing can change, then what's the point of living? One day I'll be happy. I know that. Maybe it won't be tomorrow or in a week or even in a year but one day I will be happy. But it won't come to me. I have to fight for my own happiness. I have to choose the hard work that it takes to be happy. I need to overcome my fears and insecurities. I need to overcome everything that's holding me back from being truly happy. And one day I'll make it there. And when the dark days come again, I'll know it'll get better again. 'cause I didn't it once and I can do it again.