Long ago in the great city of Athens, there was a young man named Popsicles. Popsicles was a simple man that hated his job, which happened to be a statue cleaner. On one fine day Popsicles stumbled upon some left over ice and fruit juices of every kind. In the following weeks he would test every flavor of popsicle he could make (and some special flavors), in the high of his success of managing to make a new food he immediately quit his day job like a responsible adult would and opened a food stand named “Popsicles Popsicles”. In the first few days he managed to make a good profit of 32 drachme, selling a few grape flavored and cheetle flavors.
On the 5th day of the popsicle stand, Popsicles friend Vehicles decided to stop by and ask why he hasn't been at the vehicle shop in a while. “Popsicles how come you haven’t bought a new vehicle? I thought your horse got killed in an “accidental” fire and turned into some glue.” said Vehicles.
“You see Vehicles while my horse did die in a fire, I needed the insurance money to be able to afford all this ice! Plus I was going hungry and needed some food, I hated chopping up onions, he was a good horse.” Popsicles responded.
(Now before anyone complains about a horse being eaten, I never directly said it WAS the horse being consumed HOWEVER I am leaving it up to you to decide if it was normal onions or the horse. I do not condone the harming of horses and if you thought I meant the horse was being eaten then shame on you and I’m calling PETA)
“Well Popsicles I’m glad you enjoyed this year's onion harvest, and since I’m here I’ll take a spicy cheetle, spaghettio, and milk flavored popsicle.” demanded Vehicles
“That is the weirdest request for a popsicle I have ever heard, you are truly sick in the head and deserve to be sent to Hades for even muttering those heinous words. Here you go, 5 drachme is what you owe” said Popsicles
After this day's crazy order our young hero Popsicles went home and drank some “vacation juice” until he managed to forget all about Vehicles’ strange order, however Popsicles did have a craving for 3 week old carrot soup.
The following it a small and minor serious thunderstorm was hanging over the northern side of Athens only, from what information that Popsicles wasn't told and just magically knew about, he figured that one of the oracles was struck by lightning and now speaks in a language no one has ever heard. Leaving his house after drinking what remained of the onionade he made from one of the onions, he walked down the deep fried road. With every step sticky grease got between his toes and made each step make a sickly sound.
As Popsicles walked down the crunchy road he heard a domestic dispute between his neighbors Kassandra and Steven. “WHAT? YOU EGG!” shouted a very masculine voice (so it was clearly Kassandra) before he heard what he can only describe as a knife being stabbed into a man's chest 28 times. Popsicles being a man that always goes to the guards with any news of domestic violence ran to tell the guards that Steven was beating Kassandra for Popsicles had always had feelings for her.
*One 5 hour time skip later that was brought to us by Rick Astley never giving us up*
“Oracles how are you doing? Is everyone okay?” asked Popsicles
“Everyone is fine Popsicles, well except for Jimothy who keeps saying “On the trail of the Lord’s absconded, then these green gems are for you. Use them to pillage coin and briefly increase your wealth” over and over” replied Oracles in a tired tone.
As Oracles said this, Jimothy stabbed a coiled sword though the burning hearth and vanished in a puff of white-ish gold smoke. As quickly as he vanished he returned wearing a mossy stone armor and wielding a claymore with lightning dancing along the blade like it was congo night at the local bar and grill.
A guard tried to stab Jimothy in the spleen, but he was too late, Jimothy already rolled behind him and stabbed the lightning imbued greatsword though the guards midsection, upon his victory Jimothy threw down a stone that said in a deep and slow voice “Very good” and vanished again.
“Well that was pretty good” said Oracles “But now I have blood on my pantaloons and it’s a pain in the teeth to get blood out of white.” but deep down he knew it wasn't, for Oracles has been murdering people for the past 34 years… the guards know he’s a murderer but Oracles pays them well with churros. “That was pretty neat Oracles, but I think our main boy Julian is dying on the floor” muttered Popsicles.
*Another time skip but this time brought to you by Spectacles’ Spectacles!*
Popsicles went down to Spectacles’ Spectacles because he saw one of their ads on a time skip, the shop appeared to be a vision correction and distruction place with the motto “We’ll fix your vision! Complain about the price and we will steal your eyes as you sleep” (Now I need you dear reader to understand, Popsicles isn't a smart man nor is he right in the head. I know you probably figured that out already but if you didn't there you go, sorry for interrupting). As he walked into the vision place he was greeted by a pale man that seemed to only wear a pair of shorts with an eerie tune that kept saying “I’m the pale man”, shrugging this off he watched on the T.V. monitor as Spectacles crept inside someone's house and whispered “Roses are red, silent as a mouse, your door was unlocked, I am inside your house” and stole the man's shoes.
As Spectacles returned with a random man's shoes, the Pale Man kept watching the shoes the same way B.I.G was watching a cauldron at the local bar with his party members. “Lost if you wish to take the shoes, do so already, can’t you see I have another customer?” The Pale Man, being ecstatic to hear the news, took the shoes and ran off to do whatever he pleased but not before backstabbing Spectacles after luring with him a shiny stone. Out back of the establishment the Pale Man took the shoes and threw them into the pit which led to the local Chucky Cheese ball pit, home of Charles Entertainment Cheese the Shoe Smeller. "He and everything else lost in the ball pit used my shoe as the local restroom!" cried the 37 year old boy.
