The Nanny

Chapter 18

Could she really do this? She wasn't so sure.

Her relationship with Onika was complicated.

Her feelings were complicated.

Everything just felt complicated.

And all she could think was, is that how love is supposed to be? Complicated and as far from easy as humanly possible?

Her mother had always told her, "When you fall in love, HoneyBey, and I mean really fall in love, you'll know. You won't have any doubt about what your heart is telling you."

Beyoncé had no doubt whatsoever in her heart that she was in love with Doctor Onika Maraj.

Her mind, however, was a different story. It was a jumbled, gnarly, confusing mess. Loving Onika was easy and it felt incredible, better than anything she'd ever felt before, but the reality of being with her, acting on those feelings, having sex with her, making love to her - she just didn't know how to handle it all.

Onika confessing that she felt the same way, that she was also in love, while not done in at all the most desirable circumstance, pleased Beyoncé. Finally she knew that this storm they'd somehow managed to create together wasn't entirely in her mind. There was attraction, yes. Strong attraction, in fact, perhaps even destructive if they weren't careful. But underneath, Beyoncé finally knew, also lay mutual respect, admiration, and a longing for the other that nothing and no one could possibly satisfy.

It also terrified her.

Her entire life she had been taught that marriage was sacred. Vows were of utmost importance and a failure to be faithful to them meant disrespecting not only them, but also God and everyone who witnessed two souls joining in holy matrimony.

Even if Onika had initiated their relationship, Beyoncé considered herself equally responsible for the destruction of the sacred promises that Onika had made to her husband.

You know I would love you no matter who you choose to love. Her mother's surprising words suddenly reverberated through her mind. But don't do this. You know it isn't right.

Her mother had already told her in so many words that she didn't approve of Onika, or perhaps it was just the way their relationship started. Beyoncé's own father had skipped out of their lives and her parents' marriage on a mid-life crisis and last Beyoncé had heard from him, he was shacking up in Florida with a woman not much older than Beyoncé. For a while after he left, Beyoncé sometimes wondered if he too had broken the same marriage vows with her mother that Onika had taken with her husband. Then she actually considered that he wouldn't have and he'd just gotten sick of everything in life, so he decided to take off on an exciting adventure.

A small part of her still wondered if Onika felt that way, felt like being with Beyoncé was an exciting adventure, even though Onika had expressly stated that she was in love with her. It wasn't just because of them having an affair.

Regardless, both she and Onika could at least admit to themselves and each other that their relationship didn't develop on the highest moral ground.

Perhaps if their relationship had started differently, Beyoncé pondered, would her mother approve then? Approve of Beyoncé dating a woman only a few years shy of twice her age, with two children?

However, outside of their current situation, Beyoncé knew she and the beautiful, older woman surgeon would likely never have met. Fate had dealt them unusual hands, and high-stakes ones at that.

Despite her mother's disapproval, Beyoncé now knew that she wasn't standing alone on current shaky ground. Wrong or right, Onika was there by her side, ready to take on the world.

Turning her head, through the near blackness surrounding them in Onika's bedroom, and looking over at Onika, who was on her side with her back to Beyoncé, the young woman silently wondered how loving this incredible woman could ever be anything but right.

*****

On some level, Onika did feel guilty for having an affair with Beyoncé. On another level, she felt guilty about the fact that she didn't feel more guilty, and she struggled with herself as she justified her relationship with the young woman.

Nearly eight years ago, Onika and her husband had made their vows to each other, despite both of them knowing that a certain something was missing within their relationship. While they loved each other immensely, the passion and intensity they had witnessed in others' relationships around them somehow eluded them.

Regardless, they both thought they could be enough for each other because neither ever imagined they could individually find that kind of love.

Onika had thought her marriage to Michael could be enough, even after three years of no physical intimacy.

Until she met Beyoncé.

The young, witty, sharp brunette was everything, she quickly learned, she never knew she could actually have.

Guilt tossed aside, Onika realized somewhere along the line, Michael had lost what seemed like the majority of his desire to continue pretending. While they had maintained social and familial pretenses essentially since Anyla had been born, not only for the sake of their children, but also for the sake of sense of duty to their respective families, Onika knew that she could no longer engage in their elaborate game of charades.

Onika hoped that her husband would understand. Their relationship had been warm and loving enough, at least before, that if she explained to him that she thought perhaps she'd found with another what had always been missing between them, he would be gracious enough to let her go, to let her explore her love with Beyoncé. While their families would be less understanding, especially because Beyoncé was so young and could not possibly provide financially the way they believed Onika needed or deserved, Onika cared most about her parents. She could convince them, she was certain. Her mother was actually a compassionate woman. If she could convince her, then her father would likely immediately fall alongside.

Regardless of everything else, her family included, nothing could return to how it was before Beyoncé.

Despite her lover's youth, Onika knew that her relationship with the brunette was not one to be taken lightly. There was something about the raven haired beauty that made her want to stop and consider what life could be like with the young woman by her side.

And ever since Onika had first entertained this thought, in every spare moment, it consumed her.

Since Beyoncé's accident just over 24 hours before, it was nearly the only thought that occupied Onika's mind.

She only hoped that Beyoncé would take the daring plunge with her.

Resisting a sigh, Onika quietened the thoughts in her mind and tried to listen for the sounds of Beyoncé's breathing. When she didn't notice the distinct breathing pattern of sleep, she realized Beyoncé must still be awake.

Slowly Onika rolled onto her back as smoothly as she could, not wanting to jostle the bed with her movements. She could barely make out anything in the darkness. Hesitant fingers crawled across the smooth, cool fabric of the duvet. Searching. When she felt the warmth of Beyoncé's fingers, she linked her little finger around Beyoncé's.

"Onika?" the young brunette whispered groggily.

"I-I just needed to touch you." Her voice was soft, though a hint of sadness snuck in.

Beyoncé swallowed hard, but didn't pull away. In fact, Onika's small, but sweet movement made her almost want to cry. She gripped Onika's pinky tighter.

Nothing else was said as the two laid there in the darkness of night, linked together with only their little fingers, falling asleep slowly, both unknowingly thinking about the other.

***************

SUPRISE SHAWTYYYYY!!!!