Last Chance, Caroline

February

February 1, 2008

Today was my 34th absence from school since the beginning of the year. Today was the 90th day of school, as well. I'm going to Nico's as well. Maybe I should just get high, and let my rollercoaster of a life come to a stop for an hour. Maybe I should get high, if it's as great as Nico proclaims it to be. No. I've smoked pot once. I hate the taste of marijuana. And I'm not a druggie. I've walked in on Ronald snorting crack in the bathroom once. That bastard's going to die before I do.

Jessica Leedley from school was at Nico's house when I arrived there. She gave me a disgusted look when I entered. "Heeey, you're that girl who's neveeeeer in school."

I was going to shrug her off, but suddenly decided I didn't like her. "You're the new girl, Jessica."

"New girl?" She asked with a sneer. "You can't keep calling me that. I've been in school since October."

"Well, you're new to me."

She was the one to shrug me off. She rolled a blunt around in her fingers, and then decided to light up. Ugh, I hate the smell of marijuana.  

February 2nd, 2008

I just got back from the Truancy court meeting. The judge said that I won't go to Juvy for never attending school, but if I do miss another ten days of school for the rest of the year I will have to repeat the eleventh grade, without the opportunity of summer school. Fun, fun.

February 3rd, 2008

Skipping work today. A new tween movie: Sweet Sixteen, is out today. Kadey can deal with 1500 twelve-year-olds swooning over Michael Adams and hating on Alexis Graham for kissing Michael Adams.

 I wrote, like wrote-wrote for the first time in ages. It's a song. I'm calling it Cut Me Deep.

I walk alone with a burning pain

The faces all around me, they are driving me insane

They say that I am my worst enemy

But to free me you'll have to cut me deep

So cut me deep

I'm losing, I'm losing for real this time

Jagged scars will fade on the outside

If no one will save me, I won't try

These empty tears I will cry

So, cut me deep.

No antidote will reverse the effects of the poison deep in me

No longer I will be able to have the will to breathe

Never do as I am told

Soon my blood will run cold

So cut me deep, just cut me deep

I called Nico as soon as I was done writing my song. Before he came, I shoved the notebook I originally wrote my song in under one of the mattresses of my bed. The notebook was old - I'd had it for a long time, and some of the poems in it date back to 2004 - 7th grade. The cover was faded and ripping, yet it was one of my most cherished items. The poems in that notebook shall be seen by no eyes but me.

Nico was high when he arrived-- and when he was high, he was far from the loving, sexy, Nico I knew him as almost two weeks ago. It has been two weeks since we last had sex.

Even though he was jacked up on marijuana when he arrived, he was different than usual. He barely touched me at all. For most of the time, we sat in silence, laying together on my mattress. The effects of his recent marijuana debut were beginning to wear off, and just as we started to fool around, he climbed off me, and left my room.