Stagnant

Untitled Part 1

my eyes are darting around, my fingers restless and rubbing the screen frantically, my breath coming in short gasps of air. theres a dark feeling in my heart but I dont know what it is.

it hurts. it hurts so much and it feels like something is trying to claw its way out of my body and it feels like that thing is malevolent, it wants me dead and i'm scared, i'm so scared. 

my screen blinds me with light.

is she online?

the same unmoving profile picture, the stagnant status. it makes me feel uncomfortable. 

she updates her status all the time, quotes that I read and then screenshot or save into my phone. sometimes they are about breakup, sometimes they are about love and friendship. rarely are they about the real issues that agonize her. 

last seen three days ago.

shes usually so active, her 'last seen' times are all clocked one minute before, or shes online. really active.

distant whispers cloud into my mind like a red haze and i whimper. no. it can't be. they can't be back so soon. no no no. she was my only escape from them. please come. now. now. it has to be now. 

my throat throbs. she's always been here for me, she's always been there, she's always, she's always, she's- 

so where is she now?

"yah, kyungsoo," i jump when someone taps me on the back. but i dont turn around, fixating my eyes on the screen. i don't want to. i can't. what if she comes on in the time which i take to turn around? what if i'm not around and something happens> 

is she ever coming online? ever? just once. just now. please. just do that for me. i want it. please. 

i want to talk to her. i want to talk to her so bad. it physically feels that i am being ripped apart every second which this torture continues. oh god. the voices are coming for me already. they're tearing at the edges of my vision and they're laughing and me and they...they're coming for me. 

i feel myself being shaken. "kyungsoo ah."

no. not again. another whine leaves my throat, my airways getting blocked with a hacking wave that is a cough. i wipe away tears. they're laughing at me and they're coming in. they're closing in. 

no

i dont respond.

please come online. please come online. it's only her. only she who can help me out of this dark dark abyss, only she who can fight back the voices in my head. it was her, it was always her, her who held me through the attacks from the voices and the shadowy figures, she who talked me through everything. it's her. it's her. 

her status, frozen in time. is frozen in time. i need to thaw it out. 

change is good. change will ensure relief. something thats always been emphasised with me. change will bring something new and make things better. but i don't want my peace to be changed. no, no no. one of them is already in my head and she's laughing and she's telling me, no, oh god, oh god, no. 

please. no. i don't want them to come again. stop making them come. 

"juhyeon," i call shakily out as the door closes, footsteps fading away. a small pain grips my stomach. ow. i feel a bit guilty about ignoring her now, but that mild feeling is overpowered by the little girl in front of me, prodding at me with her knife-like words and painfully sharp smirk. 

the squeak of the hinges pauses and the footsteps come towards me. approaching me.

"yes?" she can see what i'm doing, what i'm looking at. i feel her bristle and then the little girl struts towards her and tells me, tells me that even juhyeon doesn't care for me. 

i know. i know it's true so please stop telling me.

i lift up my phone so she cant see. i dont want her to spy on me. it gives me a feeling of being patronized. and i dont like that. 

her attraction is so obvious. in her step, in the tone she appraises me with. obvious but painful. and i dont like painful things. I dont like things which cause me hurt and shock. i shut down when it comes down to things like that. 

my brain throbs. it's her, why isn't she here, no 

i continue holding up my phone. "why is she not coming online?" my voice trembles and i fall deeper into the eternal abyss. the words scorch me and leave a sour taste in my throat. 

it is a very stupid question. i turn red the moment it exits my mouth and hope yuri will not be angry. shes scary when shes angry.

and I know juhyeon hates it when i talk about her. She gets so annoyed it scares me, so i try not to talk about her around her. but this time i really have to. i wish she'd understand that. i wish..i wish people would understand, perfectly understand... 

what was i going to say? i don't know because the little girl with the black soulles eyes is beckoning her friends forward and i hear their nightmarish giggles in the distance. no. not the distance. they're almost here, 

however, instead of getting mad, she gives a great gasp as if something has surprised her, her eyes filled with pity.

pity for me. I dont like being pitied. it makes me feel like a child.

"oh my god," juhyeon is saying softly. "oh my god, kyungsoo."

i tremble. i don't like people calling me by my real name. i dont like people like juhyeon interfering with my life.

"you haven't recovered one bit, have you?" juhyeon is saying, and shes mopping her forehead like theres sweat on her pretty little face. if only she was nice, that pretty face would be good. 

no. they're almost here. the little girl with the black eyes is just sitting on my table, telling me of all the bad things they'll do now that she isn't here. they're going to kill me over and over and over again. 

last seen three days ago.

"you poor girl, you poor kid..." juhyeon is saying now and i give her an irritated look. shes barely older than me, 26 if 'not mistaken. sure she's my caregiver but so what. how can i be her kid? i'm not hers. i don't want to be patronized. i want to be understood. i want her. 

i want her to get rid of the little girl with the black eyes and her friends because i don't want to die. please don't let me die. 

what is she saying about recovering? i dont understand.

i dont know how, but i've dropped my phone.

when i bend down to pick it up, juhyeon grabs me, hooks her arms underneath mine and brings me up. i go limp, unable to sustain a shred of strength as she drags me away from my phone.

i would struggle, i really would. 

"yah! stop that!" i scream. the colours close down on me- 

her breath is coming in short bursts now, like mine a while ago. she doesnt sound like shes happy, not one little bit. i don't care. why do i care when the little girl with the black eyes is calling everyone to come and join her in my head. 

this is violence. and violence is bad.

"you idiot, shut up about her!" juhyeon hisses like a thousand snakes and i shake.

no more. i'll hurt no more.

a screech of tyres, burnt rubber. smoke and flames.

injuries. a solemn voice.

me. unable to move. paralyzed. the colours. i still cant move. 

a grandfather clock, a pristine white room.

her. laughing.

the love of my life.

she was the love of my life. 

she's gone. she's gone. my stomach twists in unimaginable ways when the truth sets down on me and all the voices in my head collectively roar in mocking laughter. i curl up, i scream, i gnash my teeth. 

oh god. oh god. oh god.

they're here.