The rants of an antsy girl

19/02/2020

Wednesday

The forest was shrinking, but the trees kept voting for the axe even though the axe kept cutting down the trees.

Efosa has not still called. Sometimes his frequent calls irk me but today their absence is worrisome.
The whole blow out yesterday is worrisome and his words still ring in my head. I actually do think of why he is not in school.
I really feel bad that it ended like that. That I was never a good friend. A sour truth that felt like someone was ripping off a plaster from my wound.
This is more devastating than the mystery texter, JAMB, Laju.
I sincerely feel bad but I cannot show it and my mother does not understand. She feels like I am being intentionally cold because I was scolded. She feels I am rebellious even though I have sent back the money to her account.
Today, Laju called me from school and she sounded somewhat desperate but I wasn't going to buy it. She wanted to laugh in my face because of how things have turned and I know it was because it cannot be something else.
I call Efosa again but he ignores my calls. The whole situation of things is getting nauseating and I just want everything to go back to normal and make sure I pass my JAMB. If I pass my JAMB my life will go back to how I always wished it were.
Something nags me that truly, Laju is not alright but I am too pissed at her to want to care. She is the real person I am angry at.
Sisters ought to have the sister code. Sisters ought to have each other's back even in the messiest situations.
However that is how it has always been. Laju and I, in a never ending competition. Sometimes I see us in the future, with kids, still competing.
Then suddenly, from nowhere, voices begin to echo in my head, like my head was a deep well and someone was singing in it.

'...Anyways, He does so much and so if you are hurting, he is hurting, and being his son, I am hurting too.'

Efosa had said that. I know that he had said that but where was he now? Now that the straw I am holding on to, is drowning with me.

'...You really don't know how much God loves you right?'

Something in me earnestly wants to believe. Wants to believe that God almighty, the God that the rugbynites cried to in their glorious unity really cares.

'...If only you just allow yourself to feel this love. It will be blissful.'

It seems far fetched.

The forest was shrinking.

The forest IS shrinking. I am the forest. I am shrinking fast, shrinking like drying pumpkin leaves at Ringroad market. I am shrinking away from myself, away from everything I ever held onto.
JAMB. Myself.
The forest is shrinking and for the first time, I can see through the eyes of  the mystery texter. I can understand his psychology.
All my walls come crashing down.

The trees kept voting for the axe...

The trees. The trees IN the forest.
Of course!
I have been stupid for so long and I come to a realization that I have been holding on for very long and I have been holding on to nothing. Nothing at all.
Void.
I am an existing void.
I scramble around for my Bible. It had to be somewhere. Efosa was drawn to it on that night we tried to decipher the cryptic text. I knew it had to be here.
On the vanity? Under the bed frame?
Yes! Under the bed frame. I pick it up and it feels very alien in my hands. The pages are to thin like the average sheet of paper was halved again to make more sheets. The writings tiny. The scent of the pages like old untouched books. Like the small room downstairs- Mr Akhere's room, the place his presence dwelt.
Thoughts flood my mind and everything is happening too fast.

An excruciating mundane...

The trees kept voting for the axe!
Of course I was just an existing void. I am a void. Emptied out and left like a seashells on the sands of a beach.