The rants of an antsy girl

11/02/2020

Tuesday

Once, Efosa told me it was possible for mirrors to lie. What if your reflection wasn't what people saw you as, knew you as. That was just Efosa being silly as always, thinking about things people don't usually think of.
Today, I sincerely wish it was so. People would see my pretty face instead of a boxed up, botched face.
Last night, I had taken my dinner from the kitchen and locked myself inside the room, despite my parents insistence that I came out.
They both left the house today with their threats haunting me. Anjola tried to but I am ready to stay indoors all day. Something about telling makes me paralyzed with fear.
I want to tell and get over Mr Akhere but I cannot.
The screen of my phone is battered but I can still receive incoming calls, texts and check the time.
Efosa is calling me, I want to go to the call but I cannot leave the mirror. My brain feels like it is cramping up. What tales will I tell of my purplish left eye, swollen shut, my cracked lips, swollen face and the incessant throb of my there.
I sit on the vanity stool and cup my aching cheeks.
How could I have done this? Allowed this? How could I have allowed myself to be weak and useless. I peel two tablets of paracetamol from the card, the third dose yet this morning.
Efosa's call comes in again. I know this because of the special ringtone I have set for him, it is a funny tone- of squealing pigs. It doesn't sound funny now, though.
My Dad has some cards of strong painkillers. I tiptoe to my door and check outside it for Anjola. I can hear her scrubing the carpets she has probably removed from my mother's room.
My mother threw up on it after looking at Akan's picture, again. She wants to stop but she can't, she keeps crying and looking at it. Well, until today, my Dad deleted the picture and every duplicates she might have been smart enough to make.
I tiptoe in stealth through the hallways till I get to his room. It is the largest in the house, with white walls, white carpets, white vanity sets, white and gold bed spreads.
Many white pillows leaning on the head board. Abstract art portraits with white frames, white lacy curtains. Even the corner shelf on which his PlayStation rested along with a satellite decoder, is white.
Yes, my Dad has a PlayStation four which he played with my brother on some very good days.
There are two beside drawers on either side of the bed, also white, I rummage through it savagely, almost upsetting a bedside lamp.
'Diclofenac?' I say bringing a miniature bottle up to eye level. It is to be administered through injecting. There are syringes too, and some swabs in a glass jar which I have just discovered is a jar of spirit.
I know I should not do this, I know that my Dad's special nurse, Asaduwa, comes in sometimes to administer these to him, but my body aches so much and I cannot think straight.
I can handle this. I know I can. I'll just stick it into my arms and allow it to suck away the pain.
It could all end now and I will have Mr Akhere out of my life, but a certain kind of fear cripples me. I hear the door of my room creak open after two short knocks.
I know the creak of every door there is in this house.
I am too tired to think of leaving these drugs behind. I go to my dad's white wardrobe and take out a face cap. I recollect the sunshades that have never moved from the top of the vanity, I slid it on painfully and don on the cap. I look silly, but at least I can hide my hideous eyes.
I fold the syringes and drugs delicately into his singlet.
I peep through the door and I see Efosa peeping into my door.
'Hey!' I hiss and walk to him quietly. I don't even know why I am stealing around the house.
I push him into the room and shot the door behind us.
'Why are you behaving like a thief? And why are you wearing a face cap and shades on your pajamas, that too inside the house?' He asks puzzedly.
I remember that the door is unbolted and I go to lock it before answering him. It gives me times to infuse some warmth into my voice.
'I'm just trying to have fun!'
'I rang you about eleven times! And you are doing this? I thought you had died and so I left the shop.'
'Well- wait, what? What of my mother? You didn't see her?' I say.
'No. She always comes to the shop few hours before you, as usual.'
'What?' I say and drop the small bundle on my haphazardly made bed.
'First of all, before you proceed to ask questions, open the door, I am not comfortable.'
'No I can't!'
He doesn't listen though and goes to unlatch it.
'Also, you are having fun while your teacher is waiting outside?' He says before I can talk. This time my reply is louder.
'What?'
'Yes, he came in the same time I came in, luckily, the woman outside was in a good mood and she said something about coaxing you to come out. Why are you stealing about the house?'
I turn to my bundle and proceed to fill the syringe with the contents of the bottle. I can do this, I've been to several hospitals, have seen Asaduwa doing this several times.
'What is that?' Efosa askes and leans over.
'You are doing drugs?!' He shouts.
I turn to him and purse my lips.
'What happened to your lips?' he asks, trying to run a finger through them it.
'I am taking drugs. A sick person takes drugs.'
He marches to the door and bolts it. Then returns to me and yanks off my face cap and sunglasses, I cry out in pain.
'What happened to you?' He gasps.
Everything is happening too fast, I suck the clear liquid through the needle and fumble to get it into my body. I want to be rid of this pain, this nightmare.
I am seeing things in doubles so I cannot get the precision right and stick myself.
'Tell Mr Akhere I am too sick. Send him out of the house. He is the texter you know? He burnt the house and killed that man.' I am talking so fast I can't hear myself.
Efosa snaps out of his reverie and wrestled the syringe out of my hands, he flings it out my window and gathers up the bundle, he almost flings it out but instead throws it too the ground.
'Are you mad?!' he shouts.
'This room is not soundproof.' I say in delirium.
He grabs my shoulders and begins to shake me.
'Tell me what happened Joan!'
My senses take their leave but I know not to tell.
'I fell, I fell in the bathroom and hit my side.' I try the truth but these words flow out. I feel mentally handicapped.
I fall and he catches me and lays me gently on the ground. The pain makes everything Inside me chaotic. My head is spinning too fast. Too much pain.
'Madam!' he is shouting now from the door. I hear some thuds and a mismatched clatter of feet on the padded stairs, the creaking of a door.
Efosa comes to me and tries to keep me roused, shaking me.
'Don't tell...'
'Tell what?' he is shouting too loud.
'Text messages... No hospital... Call Asaduwa... No JAMB...'
'Joan!' Is the last voice I hear before I can tell nothing apart anymore.