for you page × chensung

ten

[ do not become miserable to make others happy ]

With Jeno gone, Jaemin's presence in the apartment considerably lessened. He offered to do double shifts, cover someone's shift, even once asked about getting a third job, which Jisung adamantly vetoed. What Jaemin failed to notice amidst his striving for perfection was the toll his absence took on Jisung's mental health. It was subtle at first, sleeping a little bit longer, showers steadily become a chore, but on the tenth day of Jaemin's breakdown, Jisung lost himself. Chenle noticed his change in attitude and bathed him in affection, but every action, word, and thought felt like a thousand pounds crushing his lungs. 

When the lights in the apartment cut off the next day, Jisung knew he needed to do something for his benefit and Jaemin's. 

jisung_park: can i come over?

chenlele: sure, but i have renjun today. so no touchy touchy

jisung_park: i'll be there in fifteen

chenlele: are you alright, jiji?

jisung_park: i will be

Jisung arrived at Chenle's in twelve minutes with a Starbucks latte for Chenle and a pink drink for himself. Renjun answered the door and flung himself into Jisung's arms. He smelt like strawberry soap and innocence, and Jisung couldn't resist cuddling the boy closer. The kids at the studio asked him if he was okay at least ten times when he taught them Saturday morning, but Renjun was the only one who didn't ask. He just gave Jisung the biggest hug his little arms could manage and left with his mother. All he needed was a hug, but not from Renjun or Chenle, or any aloof mother or secret sibling. He wanted his brother back. 

"Renjun, don't torture poor Jisung." Chenle scolded, prying Renjun from Jisung's arms to fall into Jisung's embrace instead. He softly kissed Jisung's mango-coated lips and led him inside. The living room was extremely clean but still had a homey aura that Jisung welcomed. His apartment was feeling more and more desolate as the week passed. Jaemin's shoes hardly entered the apartment, and when they did, he spent his day locked in his room. Sometimes Jisung could hear him screaming Jeno's name in the middle of the night, longing for a love lost. 

Jisung settled onto the farthest end of the plush couch, and Renjun bolted to occupy the space next to him. Chenle huffed at his brother, but let him be when he happily curled into Jisung's side. "Would you be willing to host a meet and greet with me?" Jisung asked hesitantly. Realistically, he doubted Chenle would decline the idea of money and time with Jisung, but a voice in the back of his head was criticizing him for being needy. 

Chenle smiled, and it made his eyes crinkle at the edges. Jisung thought he looked beautiful. "I'd love to, Jisung. Did you figure out the details yet?" 

"I was hoping we could ask our fans. Take a poll or something and find where most people lived."

Chenle unpocketed his phone and opened the app, prompting Jisung to do the same. Chenle recorded a simple video explaining the reason for his question and flashed a peace sign at the camera before uploading. Jisung wasn't entirely comfortable with his voice on camera and opted to upload a picture with words explaining. The picture he chose made Chenle splutter and leap across the furniture to smack the back of Jisung's neck. His entire face was painted a scarlet red, rising from the base of his neck to the tips of his ears. 

"Park Jisung! Why that one?" He screamed. 

"What?" Renjun asked, clambering over Jisung to reach his phone. "I wanna see! Let me see!" 

"Absolutely not."

"Anything for you, Junnie." Jisung teased. He tilted his phone subtly in Renjun's direction. Renjun scrunched his nose in disgust and squealed. 

"Ew! Jiji, why are you touching Lele's tongue?" 

"Renjun! Don't ask him that. He's stupid." Chenle snatched the phone from Jisung's hands and hastily made to delete the incriminating picture. He was perched on the countertop, Jisung's hands on his waist and french-kissing him against the mirror. Unfortunately for him, Jisung's fans were nothing short of relentless, and already the comments were screaming about the picture. Chenle called it inappropriate, Jisung called it motivation. 

After a movie, the Crooks, chosen by Renjun, and a small lunch of Smuckers and Yogurt, the results were in. The majority of fans lived in (they live in America, just an FYI) New York City, Miami, and Atlanta. The next few days were filled with conversations with venues willing to host for a profit, flight bookings, and advertisements. On the first day of ticket sales, they racked in over ten thousand dollars in tickets. 

Jisung refused to tell Jaemin the specifics of his mysterious "college trip", not wanting the lecture that followed. Jaemin didn't argue much, or at all, just gave Jisung a half-hearted nod and retreated to his room. Jisung pretended it didn't hurt. He hated Jeno for taking his brother from him, and it was manifesting into an uncomfortable knot in his stomach. One that untangled in the presence of Chenle, bright, beautiful, sunny Zhong Chenle. 

"Jisung, hurry up! If we miss the flight, Seungmin will skin us both!" Chenle ran through the throng of people, his suitcase clattering against the ground behind him. Jisung easily met his pace, although he did almost drop his bagel once. When they approached the terminal, Jisung shoved the rest in his mouth and let the lady scan their tickets. Seungmin was their temporary manager, fresh out of college and with an ambition unmatched by his experienced seniors. He was also ruthlessly strict and scared the shit out of Jisung, but he'd never admit it to the demon's face. 

The plane rumbled to life beneath their fingertips, and Jisung held onto the armrests as it tilted towards the sky. Jaemin would be clawing at Jisung's arms by now, shaking like a chihuahua at the water park and cursing the inventor of airplanes. But in reality, Jaemin's shaking hand was Chenle's steady breathing, and it anchored Jisung to the present. 

"I think we should talk about what happened, Jisung," Chenle admitted an hour into the flight. He had a bag of salty peanuts in his hands and was idly twisting a nut between his fingers. Jisung didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to drown the thoughts in daydreams and the pills his psychiatrist prescribed. That was another development Jaemin was oblivious to, and he hoped it would stay hidden.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Chenle nibbled on a peanut, contemplating Jisung's words. Finally, he sighed and turned his attention to the window. The view was nothing but fluffy clouds and the occasional peek of buildings.

"Chenle, come on," Jisung grumbled. "Don't be like that."

Chenle shrugged. "If you don't want to talk, you don't want to talk. But can I?"

Jisung nodded.

"I need you to understand where I'm coming from, Jisung, and I know this is going to sound awful. I really really like you, as I'm sure you know, but I don't see this relationship going anywhere until you feel better."

Jisung blanked.

"Wait, Ji, you have to hear me out." Chenle grabbed his hand and placed it over his heart. He felt the gentle thump against his palm and relaxed into the ugly airplane seats.

"I spent years of my life trying to get to a good mental headspace. Years and years of hating myself and expressing my emotions in unhealthy ways to finally become comfortable in my body and mind. The person I am today is not who I was five, six years ago. Jisung, I never want to feel that uselessness again for as long as I live."

Jisung pressed a soothing kiss to the back of Chenle's hand. "I'm proud of you."

"Thank you. That means a lot coming from someone as important to me as you. Jisung, what I'm trying to say is that I can't help you better yourself at the expense of my own happiness. I know you know that awful feeling, and I will not willingly put myself in that position for anyone. Never. I don't think I could survive another day of that depression."

Jisung understood. More than understanding, he related.

"If you don't genuinely want the help you need, I can't be with you."

"I want the help, I promise."

Chenle leaned over the armrests and laid a gentle kiss on his lips. "I trust you, Jiji."

[ mental health affects everything. always prioritize your well-being. ]