God. I am tired. Just...
FUCKING. TIRED.
And irritated as hell.
I have my reasons, obviously. And that'll be today's blog topic.
The Ignorance around ADHD in the workplace.
And in Society.
Half of you probably don't know what I'm going on about. A quarter is rolling their eyes into the back of their skull. And whatever remains of that percentage is most likely thinking
"What could be so bad about an attention disorder?"
It is not JUST an attention disorder.
My brain literally has excessive but immature activity going on in the frontal lobe, sometimes (rarely) I'm hyper. But I'm just tired all the time.
And really sad. My focus issues come in because my brain can easily switch it's attention to something else, which I can assure you, I don't WANT it to do that. AT ALL.
I suffer from this disorder. I am TRYING to get meds but it takes a billion frigging steps to get any help with it or even get a referral. Nobody can say I'm not trying. I try HARD at everything I do so I can be as good as my peers. I'm trying 10 times harder, but because my difficulties aren't being given proper attention, and I'm not being supported properly, I fall short, and I get to the point of having depressive episodes.
And yet I get called lazy, told I need to focus, told I need more motivation, and treated like I'm just doing it all for no reason.
I get interrupted when I try to communicate my needs, I feel isolated by my peers, I feel ignored and neglected, like my peers don't want me around.
Laziness is when you CAN do something WHENEVER you feel like it. But you don't.
ADHD is trying to do something for days on end, but your brain goes "no. Later." Or "what about that other important thing? We should do that instead of what YOU want to do right NOW." It's planning my days a week in advance so I can do important things and set aside fun things after, it's googling solutions constantly and seeing articles telling you you're not focused enough. It's hurting all the time because there's things you want to do so bad, things you KNOW how to do, but when you go to do them you feel paralyzed and stuck and your brain goes blank and you get really upset and scared and give up because your brain itself won't listen to you.
I can't even draw when I want to anymore.
I have NO. CONTROL.
And I'm Miserable. Yet there's people out there telling me I'M DOING IT WRONG. PEOPLE telling ME what I NEED. People who HAVE NOTHING WRONG WITH THEIR BRAIN. People who can do things whenever they want and never struggle.
It's not like being a hyper kid.
It's not fucking fun. It's crushing, and it's a dark, lonely void where NOBODY understands your pain or your struggles. Constantly hearing about how you don't get it or you're lazy or you're not good enough. It's a CONSTANT FEAR of being fired because you can't keep up, and eventually quitting because you know it'll happen.
I can't believe the absolute balls some people have, when they know next to NOTHING about mental disorders, and actively disregard the existence of ADHD.
My writing is the only place I don't get interrupted.
Why won't anyone listen to my real spoken voice? Why do I have to suffer because of someone's ignorance?
...until next time I guess... I hope this has been useful to some of you who don't understand ADHD... It's not just energy and not paying attention... It's pain and suffering, that can't be ended.
-Jack..
YOU ARE READING
Blogs of The Eternally Bored
Non-FictionCrappy name. Didn't know what else to name it since my only experience blogging is watching Julie and Julia. And young naive Gen Z me thought I may as well say something and see who relates, and who would like to shoot me in the knee with a crossbow...
