Not All of Me

Chapter One

08/16/21- 

Dear Diary, I am writing this because it is my first day of eighth grade. I am nervous and super excited. I hate when all my emotions are mixed. Did you know that when you feel nervous your whole body feels nervous as well? I did not know that until I went to the nurse before a test and she asked what was wrong and why I felt that way. I did know what was going on because I was unable to tell her I felt sick right when the test started because I did not want to.

I am going to change and get ready for school, so I am not late. My mom always drives me on the first day of a new school year. I change from my pajamas to a nice sweater and blue jeans. After that I comb my hair and brush my teeth. I look in the mirror and I tell myself I am beautiful. This always makes me feel better when I look in the mirror.

My mom calls my name, "Klarissa, please come downstairs we need to go." I run down the stairs, put my shoes on, and grab my backpack. We walk out the front door and when we get in the car, I know that there is going to be a long talk. 

She starts by telling me how I am going to have a great first day and I tell her that I hope so. Usually, I try to be positive on the first day of a new school year but, it is hard. Next, she tells me that I do not need to talk if I do not want to. I have selective mutism and I am sure you do not know what that means because you are a diary. I will explain it anyways. What it is, is where I want to speak but certain people, certain places, or at certain times can trigger it to where I feel unable to when all I really want to do is get my words out of my mouth. It's like my lips feel glued shut and there's no way I can get them open in that moment.

We found out that I had selective mutism when I was just five years old. No, selective mutism is not just being shy, but it is a mix of anxiety and fear. Fear to mess up what I say and to stutter. I stutter quite a bit when I talk to people, I am comfortable around. Anxiety plays a significant factor when dealing with selective mutism.

When we get to my school I hop out of the car and I turn around to tell my mom I love her. All the other kids say, "Wait, she really speaks, we had no clue." This makes me so angry when people say this because I do talk and if I did not talk to them before they always just assume that I am mute.

I also hate when people use mute because it is stupid. No one just decides to be mute but, they live with that because of certain disabilities and anxiety disorders. I look down at my schedule and I see that my first class is art. Good I like art that is a fantastic way to start my day.

I walk into room 207 and I see the teacher. Her name is Mrs. Govern and I feel like this will be a great class. I take a seat and when she starts doing roll call, I feel sick to my stomach. When she finally gets to the bottom of the list and calls out Karissa Zero, I raise my hand up high so she can see it.

She then says, "Great, everyone is here. Let us go over the syllabus. I would like someone to please pass these papers out." I raise my hand and she stated, "Thank you." I walk around to each table and I hand four papers to the person at the end of the table. When I get to the last table, I accidently drop all the rest of the papers.

Everyone starts to laugh, and I quickly pick up the papers. Mrs. Govern quiets the class down and everyone is now looking at me. It is like their eyes have been on me for thirty minutes, but it is only ten seconds. 

We end up taking the whole class period going over rules, regulations, and the syllabus. I wish we could have done some art today.

The rest of my day is fine and when I get to lunch, I sit alone in a corner at one of the tables. These girls come up to me and say that I need to move. I do not listen to them and they say, "Hey, are you deaf?" Sometimes selective mutism works in my favor because I can ignore people without being rude.