Absolution

Chapter 5: Absolution

The first letter comes just a few days into Christmas vacation.

Jisoo,

You're probably angry with me and you have every right to be – I hurt you. I'm sorry I haven't been able to pick up the phone and answer your calls. Hearing your voice would have me on the first plane back to you and that would make all of this a moot point.

We started this under horrible circumstances. You were otherwise engaged and I took advantage of your unhappiness in the sexual side of your relationship to get what I wanted. I can admit, in retrospect, that was not how I should have handled things. I never should seduced you knowing that you were taken. That was my error.

But I don't regret it. I don't regret you. I fell in love with you and I could never regret that. I know I lied to you when you asked but I had to. If I didn't, you never would have let me go.

We both need this. Distance. For the sake of my sanity, I need to know if our feelings are more than just a product of circumstance. And you haven't been single in years. Do you even know yourself? If we still care about each other after I return home from Paris, then we'll try this. But in order for this to work, you cannot wait for me. Don't stop living your life. I won't stop living mine.

We have to keep our distance. I think letters, like this one, should be our only method of communication, should you choose to communicate with me at all. No phone calls, no visits. We need to do this right and this is the only way we can do that. Don't feel like you have to write me back. You don't. In fact, I'm expecting you to just crumple this up and throw it away and after everything I've said to you, I would deserve that.

Please know I'm sorry for everything I said to you. I meant none of it. I do love you.

All my love,

Jennie.

Jisoo cries herself to sleep that night, the letter clutched in her fist.

She wakes up the next morning to the smell of pancakes and the sound of her Dad knocking on the door to wake her up for breakfast. She takes her pancakes in bed that morning. She reads the letter over and over until the words start to blend together and she starts to memorize them. By the time she finally puts it down, she's sure she could recite it word for word if someone asked her to.

She still doesn't quite get it – why Jennie lied to her but the pieces are starting to fall together.

That's what she needed. She didn't think Jisoo would give them to her. So she hopped on a plane and flew across countries just to get away from her. Because she loved her.

Okay, so it still wasn't making a lot of sense.

But her intentions were clear. She hadn't lied completely while they were fighting – she was afraid that Jisoo didn't care about her beyond sex and without Soo Joo in the picture. Jisoo got that. It was the only part of this she did understand. And if she thought about it, really thought about it, she was scared about that too. Well, scared of how Jennie felt outside of being her...mistress.

Maybe they did need space.

And Jennie was right. She hadn't been single in years. Before Soo Joo, she had a girlfriend in high school that she had been with long term.

She didn't know how to be alone and that was something she could admit.

And if being alone for five months means that in the end, she gets Jennie? Well she can wait. She could wait forever. She meant it when she said she wouldn't stop fighting. She pulls out her a pen and stationary and writes out a response.