Intimate Deity

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I loved Jakurai Jinguji. I loved him so much it almost pained me so. Even when it felt like the rest of the world was attacking me, hurting me in some way, Jakurai was safe. Jakurai, who had open arms I could run to when things became too much for me.

But fuck, he was so dense. I could never understand what made it so hard for him to understand what I meant. For a person like me who's whole being is built upon deception, it was so stupidly infuriating to try and get him to see why I was so gloriously transparent with him. It was more transparent than I had ever been with anyone else, why couldn't he get it, why couldn't he see?

"What's wrong, Amemura?"

His voice was soft and warm against my ears, and if I wasn't so on edge, I probably would've let out a purr of contentedness. What was wrong? I could feel my teeth grinding together, my eyes narrowing. With all his amazing otherworldly knowledge, Jakurai had the nerve to ask what was wrong?

I turned to face him, looking up after my angry internal monologue.

"Why don't you ever say it back, Jakurai? Why can't you just humour me, in all your love for humanity, can't you just give me this?" My tone was laced with bitterness, and I almost regretted saying it when I saw a look of confusion flashing across his face.

"Say what back, might I ask?"

"I love you. You never say it back. Why can you say it so carelessly to Izanami or Kannonzaka but not to me? I've known you longer.. aren't we supposed to be close?" I felt my vision getting blurry; my eyes were hot and my brow furrowed. My fists were unconsciously clenched in my lap and I knew Jakurai was staring at me, still confused as to what I was getting at.

I blinked away any wetness forming at my eyes. Jakurai had a distant look to him, as if contemplating exactly what I asked.

Then he chuckled. A frown flashed across my face and I shot him a glare.

"Well I suppose I don't. But correct me if I'm wrong, Amemura, but aren't we supposed to take some other necessary steps before we say 'I love you?' Take me out on a nice date, and maybe you'll charm me into saying 'I love you.'"

I had a dumbfounded expression and I could feel my face heat up at his absurd, albeit correct, assumption.

"I- I'm not in love with you you prick, I.. I care for you! Am I not allowed to express that? Friends are allowed to say 'I love you' to each other, right?"

Friends. Even saying that felt wrong. Is that what we were? Just friends? Every secret glance, our sly pinkies linking, all the flushed cheeks and his soft kisses pressed against my palms.

It was a lie. I knew it was. And I bet he did too.

I think he knew something was off, and stopped chuckling at my expense. Jakurai reached over from where he was sitting on my couch next to me, and gently grabbed my hand, pulling me closer.

"I didn't know it meant so much to you, Amemura. Of course I love you, I love you so much it's almost an overwhelming feeling. I am so wholly enamoured with you, and I'm sorry I didn't make you feel like you were worth knowing it." he said that last part so softly I almost had to strain my ears to hear it.

He raised my hands, clasped in his, and laid a soft kiss on the back of my hand, then let them go.

"I'm so fucking stupid.." I grumbled, putting my head in my hands, "I should've told you what was frustrating me, I should've figured that you wouldn't be harsh with me."