"Quiet" | m.y.g + p.j.m

A/N: Long Time No See

so uh hey it's been a while... first off i just want to apologize for breaking my promise about updating and just for abandoning wattpad in general, it wasn't intentional it just kinda happened. also if there are any typos it's because i'm writing this at 4:21 am.

here's some updates on my life that should hopefully explain the hiatuses..

TW: mentions of eating disorders, substance abuse, trauma, mental abuse, alcoholism, suicidal thoughts and attempts (almost) & self harm
- keep in mind that my family does not know about any of the issues i currently am struggling with outside of my depression and anxiety and they do not know i have relapsed in self harm after middle school, and do not know how bad my depression has gotten.
-this will be written sorta messy just so you're aware

so i'm currently in what i'd like to believe as rock bottom... i went through a relapse in my eating disorder (currently okay as of now but it's still sometimes difficult) and started cutting again some months ago. i can't remember exactly when it was last but i believe i'm at least 2 months clean. i'm currently struggling with substance abuse of weed and started smoking cigarettes again and now have a pretty bad nicotine addiction as i now vape and smoke cigarettes. my mental health is very unstable and i have mental breakdowns left and right at least once a day every other week (i'm high every other week when i'm at my dad's house, i do more at mom's than dad's and it's the week i can catch a break from the chaos at my mom's house cause by our animals and just me walking on eggshells as i have no bedroom to hide in when i need space, i won't explain why but my mom is trying her best to get the money to remodel and fix it so i can have it back.) i'm emotionally unstable and have been for the past year and a half and it's only gotten worse. i cut off a former best friend who had hurt me mentally (we are on good terms but we no longer speak to each other.) and that sent me into a spiral. in the past couple months i have almost attempted suicide twice, the first time about a month or two ago my best friend calmed my down over phone, and the second time being a couple weeks ago i was able to calm down before trying anything, i also didn't relapse.
my father is a huge part of why my mental health is gradually getting worse, he's extremely toxic and he's a huge trump supporter and most likely part of that qanon cult bullshit and has quite literally been talking about his political views and just shitty morals relentlessly since father's day. he's also an alcoholic and often triggers my past trauma and has become a person i no longer trust or feel safe around. please do not worry, i am not being physically abused but rather being forced to listen to his drunken crazy rants every time i'm with him and am occasionally mentally abused (blames me for my mental illness, says they're all in my head, that i just have to get over it, belittles my interests as brainwashing and acts like i'm a lazy person that does nothing but rot her brain with social media, that kinda shit.) he's just incredibly toxic and my mom and i believe him to be a psychopath for reasons i won't explain, but as a short summary he's a ticking time bomb and i have to avoid certain topics/names when talking to him as it will trigger a verbal meltdown on his part (has to do with my trauma, i won't disclose details.)

// TW: topics about eating disorders, trauma, self harm, alcoholism, mental abuse and substance abuse (sorta, no details after this paragraph) will not be discussed from this point forward! //

anyways it's very exhausting to make it through the day and i'm just existing at this point. i miss writing but i've also grown to a point where i've lost interest in it as well. i'm going to be completely honest i'm not sure if i'll continue "Hey" or not. i've since lost interest during my 2 year (?) hiatus. i will think about it but i wouldn't hold too much faith in getting a chapter update for at least until i can get remotely better, i want to apologize to those who are fans of that fic and i want to encourage you to please read this one as i plan to update it this week. i probably won't have regular updates but i want to try getting back into writing again.

i just caught up reading the chapters on this fic to see what i'm working with as i haven't touched wattpad in about a year, and i've noticed that there are some parts in this story that just make no sense or are confusing, the main one being "getting to know each other" that i've written about apparently 3 times... if you've read this far then you probably can already guess that this was a result of me being high when writing these chapters. i will try my best to make sure this doesn't happen again, and if you see any errors i ask you to please message me about it so i can fix it as sometimes i will read it over while sober and still not notice.

i also want to know if you would prefer if i rewrite this fic to make more sense or if i should just continue as is and leave it be with this explanation in between? i personally don't think i have the patience or the energy but if you guys would prefer that then i'll try my best to fix it.

i want to say thank you for supporting me and if you've given up on updates from me i completely understand. i love you guys and i will try my best to come back in full strength one day, i will take it one day at a time for now though. i hope you are all staying safe during this pandemic and that you are healthy safe and hopefully happy. if you feel that you need to talk to someone even if it's to distract you from doing something harmful, please don't hesitate to dm me on twitter @ joahsgf
(please mention if you're from here as i will probably be confused as i don't usually get dms, not that it's a problem i'm just kinda dumb from the shit i've put my brain through and still do, i also have severe memory problems as a result of this and my depression, so yeah please keep this in mind and please do not take it personally if i act like a dumbass.) i'm not too good with advice but if you need someone i am here whether it's to vent or even just to talk to someone in general, i don't have many online friends and i'm not good at talking to people first out of anxiety and abandonment issues over the years so if you'd like to be friends don't hesitate to dm me!

please stay safe and healthy and know that you are loved by at least one person in this world and that you matter. i love you all. i hope to see you again soon.

- ❤️