Freeing Faith.

VIII

Faith was sitting in on another session with her counselor. She didn't think she'd be back, but here she was. There were too many questions left unanswered. She had felt a slight weight lifted off her shoulders from the last time. It was odd that she had let a stranger into her life. She wouldn't have expected herself to talk and yet, she had spilled her guts. Was she tired of being miserable?

Yes. Was she going to do anything and everything she could to be happy again? Absolutely. Her mind traveled as she was adjusting herself in her seat. Though she didn't have an answer from what they discussed last, she was hoping Debra wouldn't remember anyway. Her head hurt from considering the possibilities. Why did she have to choose now?

It didn't seem fair that she seemed required to. The reason she was coming was to free herself of Jeremiah. She wasn't here to be judged or ridiculed because she wasn't sure what she believed. She shut her internal discussion up whenever Debra eased herself into her chair. She greeted her with a wide smile and folded her hands together. Her eyes were twinkling with excitement and fondness. She had such a caring, soothing soul.

"Have you given any thought to what I suggested at all?" Oh, great. Of course she recalled as clear as day what she was hoping wouldn't resurface. How did she let her down gently? There wasn't a way to.

"Can we talk about something else first? I'm a little uncomfortable with that subject." Faith admitted as she shifted in her seat. Her counselor seemed to understand as she bobbed her head up and down. She didn't know how to talk about God or why it was important right now. Her issue was with her ex - that was the trauma that was holding her back. He was the reason she couldn't move forward and have a better life.

She wasn't over everything he did or said to her. How could she be? He was an awful, manipulative man. He had forced her to believe all the lies that were still running through her head. Her self-esteem was ruined and her confidence had vanished.

"I got rid of everything he gave me and blocked his number. I'm still having dreams of us together. We're laughing, having a good time and it confuses me. I wake up yearning for it to be real instead of facing the harsh reality." She confessed again as all the warmth in her body flooded her cheeks. She hadn't been this honest with anyone since being with Jeremiah. It felt strange to open up about how she really felt.

"And the worst part is, I still love him. I still think about him daily. I wonder what it would be like to be together again and start fresh. He was a part of my every day routine and now that's gone. I don't know how to move past that or what I should be doing. I feel a little lost without him there by my side." She continued talking, almost as if given a cue to.

She didn't usually converse this much with anyone, but she felt at ease with the woman sitting across from her. Whether it was her aged smile, soft expressions or tender voice, she'd never know. She let out a small huff as she finished speaking. Now what she had to do was wait for the response. That seemed to be the hardest time she was having with these sessions. One second appeared as though it were a lifetime instead. She found herself often trembling with anticipation.

"You're still healing and that's okay. The wound is fresh and all these feelings pouring out is normal. When you have those dreams, you have to remind yourself of what is real. As you long for what can't be, you have to condition yourself. Don't relive what he said or did to you longer than necessary, but remember that it is who he is. Face what you were told and turn it into something lovely about yourself instead." She suggested as Faith decided that wasn't good enough.

She waited for another answer and was met with some uncomfortable silence instead. As if sensing what she was looking for, Debra spoke again. "Honey, I have been there before - I know what it's like. Once you've hit rock bottom, you can only go up from there and you're going to. You were used to your world revolving around him, but it doesn't anymore. You have to figure out what you want out of life and grasp it tightly with both hands. You can't live life for other people and you can't please everyone with what you decide to do."

That was better. Still, Faith wasn't exactly reassured. "Is there something I can physically do? Some kind of remedy?" She questioned as Debra only smiled. That gentle heart was what captivated Faith more than anything. She was perfect at her job.

"It's all mental, sweetheart, though there are a few things you could do physically. You could go to the gym to release some tension or keep a journal with you. Write down how you're feeling, why you believe you're feeling that way and we can discuss it here." A journal? Wasn't that usually subjected to teenagers? A hearty laughed released from Debra's lips at the sight of Faith scrunching her nose. "It's not for everyone, but you could give it a try and see if it helps you."

"Anything that he said that you'd like to talk about, you could jot that down and bring it here." She reminded as Faith was the one to nod. It didn't sound half bad. It couldn't make her any worse off, either, for she was at the lowest she could be. She was barely hanging on to the edge as it was.

"The reason I wanted to put the other off was because I still don't know what to think. I mean, I'm a shell of a woman who's no good for anyone. Why would God still want me? I'm not worthy of His love, let alone anyone's. I'm nothing special and haven't accomplished much with my life." She started as her fingers were rapidly moving and squeezing into her thighs. She had to rip the bandaid off sometime.

"God uses the broken. You know, they're usually His first pick of the bunch. He doesn't see wounded or shattered, he sees mended and healed. You're worthy of love, sweetheart, you've just been abused. That's enough to swear off basic kindness forever. You're very special to Him, I promise. You have done something that many women don't - you got out."

"I've done so many wrongs that I don't deserve His forgiveness." Faith argued again as she was fighting back tears. Her teeth bit into her lower lip as she clenched her jaw. She wasn't going to let this woman see her cry. Regardless of how comfortable and safe she felt around her, she wasn't going to be that vulnerable.

"That doesn't matter. He's willing to give it to you, regardless of what you've done. You're already accepted and loved by Him simply by existing. You can't fret about scaring Him away, because He's waiting by your side. All you have to do is let Him in and He will do the work inside you that you need." Her response was a gulp as she didn't know how to process these words. It was a heavy, intense subject that she knew she couldn't win.

That was half the reason she wished she didn't start up the conversation, but she couldn't avoid it forever. Surprising them both, Debra stood to her feet and padded over to where Faith sat. She took the seat beside her and turned to her, clasping her hands around one of Faith's. She was the center of her focus as that was clearly her intention. "If you don't get anything else out of what we spoke about today, at least hear me now. You are beautiful, you are strong, you are intelligent, you are unique and you are loved." She offered as Faith couldn't halt the tears spilling onto her cheeks.

"Just because you have been mistreated does not mean you are garbage. You're worthy of the best that's out there and you better start believing it. You hold that head high and don't let anyone knock you back into the ground. You're here now, you're getting help and you're going to rise from the ashes that he threw you into. All I ask is that you take care of yourself and tell yourself every day just how special you are. Do you understand?" She nodded as she couldn't answer with her sniffling, messy transformation.