Freeing Faith.

IX

Faith returned home from her counseling appointment and fell into her couch, sprawling out as her mind was heavily bogged down. What was the right answer? How could she decide? She let loose a defeated sigh as mental exhaustion was taking over. Rubbing at her weary eyes, she forced herself to stay awake and think. Being in her head needed to be safe rather than dangerous. She had to build herself up, not tear herself down.

She couldn't be afraid of her thoughts or past events. She had to secure herself both internally and externally before she could press on. "But what am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to get where I want to go?" She asked herself aloud and answered with an annoyed shrug. Everything was confusing her. Her counselor's words were repeating in her head, echoing throughout her skull.

Perhaps she should try the exercise Debra had mentioned. However, her energy was lacking and her motivation was worse. Her head was resting against the arm of the couch as her hands were tucked underneath her. She didn't know which direction to turn. Having faith seemed hopeless and so did she. Where would it get her? Laughed at, scorned, ridiculed, faced with eye rolls and cold shoulders.

Yet, she couldn't continue living the way she was. Her paranoia was overwhelmingly strong and her anxiety had spiked entirely too much. She was coming up with scenes that could never happen and trapping herself there. There was no mending her and Jeremiah's relationship. He was a manipulative, abusive jerk. He was a narcissist whose only concern was himself. Her needs, thoughts and feelings were important.

She didn't matter unless he required something of her. All that he saw was her body and how he could use her. Hitting her or talking down to her filled him with glee, whereas comforting her had the opposite effect. He literally grieved whenever she chose to talk about herself or something that was going on in her life. She wasn't going to embarrass herself any longer.

Love wasn't selfish or cruel - she knew that for a fact. She had loved him, but that wasn't reciprocated. He lusted after her and that's where it ended. She was nothing but a toy to him. Nodding as if this was new information, she slowly rose to a sitting position. No, she couldn't go back there; she couldn't put herself through such misery and torment anymore. He wasn't going to change and that was obvious to her now.

Despite her lying dreams, she realized the utter truth. He was not her soulmate, her other half, her savior or her rock. He was toxic to her and her health. As though she were cutting the invisible tie that bound them together, she suddenly felt herself coming loose. She was wiggling free from the cage he had stuck her in, solely designed to entrap her permanently.

Then there was another problem: religion. She hadn't been to church, talked about God or read a bible in years. She couldn't see where it was important or how her life would change. Though Debra appeared to think differently, even if that was a given. She was at a standstill when it came to the idea. There was no rocking back and forth or leaning a specific way. She contemplated a solution, but was at a loss.

What was there to lose? Nothing. It was one decision that she had to make. It was one decision that wouldn't affect anyone around her. She could give it a try instead of wondering what it was like. She remembered how joyful the receptionist and Debra were. She wanted to experience that type of soul-warming glee.

Where should she plant her feet? How would she begin her walk with Him? That's when the idea hit her - she had a Bible somewhere in the house. It had been left behind from the people before her. Scouring and picking through her brain, she attempted to envision where she had last saw it.

When that idea failed, she scurried around the house opening every cabinet and drawer that she had. Finally finding it in one of the kitchen cabinets, she retrieved it and held it to her chest. She padded back into the living room and opened up the holy book. She flipped through until she recognized one of the names: John. Skimming through the first chapter, something was trying to jog her brain. She had read this before. Not that she could pull every word by memory, though.

-

It seemed silly to be standing in front of the mirror gawking at herself, but she had to take the next step. She had to work up her confidence again. "Faith Collins, you are beautiful. You are smart, you are funny, you are special and you are loved. You're going to do amazing things in life. One day, your heart is going to be so full that you'll sigh from contentment. Every dream of yours will be fulfilled and you'll have all you could ever need."

She repeated the words until they stuck in her head. She had been motivated to focus on being kind to herself after reading a few chapters out of the Bible. Perhaps this was where God was going to start with her. "You didn't deserve the abuse you took for the last four years. He was someone you crossed paths with for a reason. Now you get to step away from that and do even better." She stated to herself with a firm nod.

She wouldn't notice a difference right away, but she was slowly beginning to believe the words she told herself. "No matter what dreams you have, they're just that. He is who he is and he won't ever change. You don't need him, you don't want him and you don't love him anymore." That last bit was a lie and she could feel it. Still, she had to try something. Saying the words aloud did make her feel better anyway.

"No matter what, God isn't done with you yet. He uses the broken and He'll use you, too. You have a purpose and He'll reveal that to you. For now, you have to focus on staying close to Him and being faithful. Prove to Him that you're all in." Her eyes were sparkling by the time she finished. She didn't think trying out this exercise would have such an effect. She felt as though she were ready to take on the whole world.