Everything I couldn't tell you

Chapter 6

Ksenija needs to get out. Out of this street, out of this village, out of this life. She runs and runs and runs, until pavement turns into gravel, houses into fields and her vision into a blur.

The forest calls, the way it always does, a dark mass looming behind the horizon. It's all too tempting to disappear, go somewhere no one can reach her. Somewhere where the darkness on the outside matches the growing darkness inside of her.

But the forest is far and her legs burn, her back clammy underneath the hoodie. She gets off the road and stumbles across the empty fields. A huge oak stretches its spiky arms toward the sky and she collapses underneath it, crawls into a little ball.

It's always going to be like this, isn't it? She is supposed to be a hunter, not a fighter, but that's what you get for crossing a magician with one of the most temperamental people on earth. Always in opposition, that's what Rod says. If there is nothing to fight about, Ksenija will find something.

The ground is hard underneath her padded jacket, rocks digging into her back. Branches rattle above. It's always going to be like this. Constant battles. She's so sick of fighting. She's so sick of losing.

Hot tears run down her cheek. And that's it, isn't it? No matter what she does, Ksenija loses. If she becomes a hunter she will lose Feliciano, her mum, herself. But if she chooses the human route, if she gets a degree and a job, she will lose her dad, her uncle, her grandpa. Herself. Is there an option where she doesn't alienate half of the people she loves? Where she isn't forced to cut off a part of herself? A path that will actually make her happy?

Maybe they are right, the full blooded magicians, the ones that turn their noses up at her. Creatures like Ksenija are not meant to exist for a reason. If you fit in everywhere, you don't belong anywhere. Too much of a human for the magicians, too magical for the human world.

A lone crow flies over the field, wings stretched wide in the empty space. Ksenija will always be alone. Her grandpa will die. Her parents and Rod will grow old, before they also die. She doesn't want to be alone.

Sobs wracks her body and she curls. Her croatian relatives have survived a goddamn war, fuck, she's such a baby. And what about her dad? Her dad who goes out every night, never knowing if he will return to see his family. And her mum, who fears magic, yet is forced to see her baby growing up to become the very thing she hates.

And then there's Blade, so smart that he acts out of sheer boredom until they stick him in special ed with the kids who eat glue. And Feliciano, whose family shits on him for his sexuality until he can't stand being at home. And yet he is nothing but warm and smiley and lovely.

Pathetic, it's fucking pathetic how her problems are so small, so insignificant compared to what everyone else have to deal with. And they do, it's just Ksenija who can't deal. Only Ksenija who screams and fights and breaks like this.

Do you always have to be so-

She still doesn't know what he meant to say that night, in the bathroom. Does Ksenija always have to be so - mean? Judgemental? Heartless?

He's an asshole.

And so are you, cara. But I still love you the same.

Feliciano loves her the most, knows her the best. And even he agrees that she's an asshole. Well, lucky for him, there's only half a year left before high school. And then he can finally find people he likes hanging out with. No longer being forced to be friends with someone just because she's the only one who doesn't bully him for being gay.

Feliciano will be fine. And Ksenija will just... keep on keeping on. What else is there anyway?

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