Mind-spazzing love ~ShinKami Non-Binary AU~

Chapter #5: The Truth

I feel nothing at all. I try to open my eyes, but my eyelids feel heavy. Is this the end for me? If it is, I welcome it. The sweet release of death is all I can hope for right now. I won't have to deal with my dysphoria, no one will ever have to know. I'll never see my parents again. Sounds nice.

But Shinso. What about Shinso. If I leave him, I won't be able to bear the guilt for long, but I'll be stuck with it forever. I can't die. I love him. The past weeks have been so much better than I'd expected, and only because of him. He helped me believe I was worth something, he made me feel happy. He'd always help me with my homework, and we'd have long, drawn-out conversations over the dumbest things while the TV played in the background as we ate Onigiri. I can't leave him. I just got him to myself. If I leave, he might be sad. I know that sounds dumb, but I can't help it.

It is dumb.

Huh? Who are you?

I'm your conscious dumbass.

Why do you think it's dumb?

Because you're worthless, if anyone ever wanted to like you, they couldn't you're dumb, ugly, you could never pass as a man, you're just some little girl all alone in the world. Nobody likes you.

Maybe you're right, this is dumb, dying would help him more than it hurt him.

Of course I'm right! I know what's good for you, I am you after all.

Maybe this is a good idea, dying would help a lot, I wouldn't ever bother anyone, and nobody would have to have me as a burden on their shoulders. I sit in my own thoughts for a while, and bask in the glory of dying. I hear a faint voice off in the distance. It keeps going, and it gets a bit clearer.

"D..ki!"

"K....min....i"

"Pl....se"

I hear a person sobbing. Then suddenly,

"DENKI! YOU CAN'T DIE ON ME I LOVE YOU!"

Shinso.

It's Shinso, did he really say he loved me?

No, he didn-

He did? Didn't he?

I have to get back to him. I'll fight through this, I can't leave him. I start by trying to open my eyes. To hard, start at something simple, move your fingers. I wiggle my fingers a bit, and I hear a gasp. I start to feel my eyelids get lighter, and decide to try opening them again. I succeeded! I can see Shinso's tears falling down his face, and his smile is brighter than the sky, "Don't cry, your designer eye bags will be ruined, babe!" I say hoarsely.

"Denki! Why would you make those the first words you say when you're back?!" Shinso retorts. "And of course, I was crying, you almost died! I was so scared! I couldn't bear to think I could lose you!" "Welp, you didn't. I'm still here." I move to go touch his face, and end up brushing up against my chest. I look down. I'm covered with bandages around my torso, and I don't have anything on other than that, and some pants. My eyes widened. "Shinso, did you-" "Yeah, I kinda did, could you explain? Like, you don't have to if you're not comfortable, but also, please do I'm very confused." I hesitate and think about it for a moment, and then realize, he'll love me however I am, I can tell him.

"Yea, so I am not exactly who you think I am, but I swear I'm not a girl. Well, biologically, yes, but other than that no. I'm also not exactly a guy either? It's complicated, it's called being non-binary, and it's where you identify as a gender outside of the general gender spectrum. I always identified as a man at school, because I was scared nobody would accept me, but I didn't want to identify as my biological gender, because that just makes everything ten times worse. I think I was just wearing my binder, for too long, and that's why I kinda like, ya know, passed out. A binder by the way is a thing that people wear to flatten their chest, it's tight, so if you wear it for too long you can get seriously injured." Shinso looked frozen in place, and Recovery girl walked in. "Precisely Kaminari, if you keep wearing your binder for too long you're going to end up even worse than you already are, you have three bruised ribs, sweetie, I'll fix them later, you're too exhausted for it. No leaving for a while, until you're all healed up." "Yes ma'am." Shinso and I say in unison. "So," Shinso says, "Non-binary, right? I've heard of that before. Is there anything else you need to change for this? Name, pronouns? Anything?" "I think I'll stick with this name, I kinda like it. But for pronouns, they/them is good." "Alrighty! Are you ok with the others knowing, they're outside waiting for news." "I think I'm ready, tell them to come in." As soon as I say that, the whole bakusquad barges in and starts asking all kinds of questions. "Are you ok?" "What happened?" "What are the results?" "Do pigeons have emotions?" "I'm so glad you aren't dead! Did you know how worried we were?" I reply to all of them, I'm ok you guys, sit down, I'll explain everything to you in a minute." Everyone settled down and I started telling them about my situation. As I finished, I looked around the room at all the faces looking at me. Some were shocked, some were worried, some were happy. But the most important thing is that none were mad. I smiled at all of them as I saw Kiri walk up to me. He gave me a hug and said, "Just know that I will always call you manly, but in the most non-gender-specific way possible, bro." I laughed, "That's okay Kiri, don't worry." Everyone took turns coming up and giving me hugs, all except Bakugo of course. He just patted my shoulder and said, "I'm proud of you, that takes courage, dunce face." I smiled and as soon as the development was over, we all started hanging out in the room until the others were called to the dorms. Shinso stayed with me all night, and soon he fell asleep leaning against my bed. A little bit after that, I fell into a sweet sleep, right next to the man I love.