Torn

Chapter Two

The train sped away from city life and back towards the slightly quieter reality that was my home. I kept pulling my phone from my pocket, convinced I’d felt the vibrations of a new message, only to remember that my battery had died a few hours earlier. The walk back from the train station was quiet and lonely and the weather had taken another turn for the worst. By the time I opened my bag and started fumbling for my key, my hands were numb and the rain had plastered my crimson hair to my frozen cheeks. The warmth of the hallway flooded over me as I stepped into the dimly lit house. The door directly in front of me was slightly ajar and a slither of light was just visible from within. I knew better than to disturb and slunk upstairs to my room. I desperately wanted to tell someone about today but I knew better than to try and explain it to my Mum. She would never understand.

Instead I tugged my phone from my pocket and with tingling fingers inserted the charger into the base. I shoved the other end into the wall socket and threw the device down on to the bed. It seemed like forever before it finally kicked into life, even though I knew it couldn’t have been more than a couple of minutes. Within seconds an array of irregular vibrations were being produced. I lunged across the bed tripping over my bag in the process and threw myself onto my phone. There were two messages from a number I didn’t recognise. I didn’t want to get my hopes up but part of me really hoped they were from her.

“Hi – hope you got home okay. It was really nice to meet you x”

I noted the solitary kiss at the end of the statement. Did that mean anything or was it just friendly? The laws of texting are so complex that it could well be made into a university degree. These are the sort of skills they should be teaching us in school rather than the Cosine rule and a multitude of other crap. I moved on and opened the second text.

“Sorry – forgot to say, my name’s Hope x”

Hope. I smiled to myself. It was either a rather sick and ironic joke or maybe, just maybe, it was exactly that. Hope. It had been a long time coming. The last few years have been, well, difficult to say the least. People like me don’t have good days, or happy memories. Just pain and endless emptiness. I used to like the pain, it reminded me I was alive and that I was still capable of feeling something. These days, I’d rather feel nothing than the pain. I never thought I’d feel anything again, let alone Hope.

I wrenched myself out of my warped thoughts and into the present moment.

“Just got back, hope your journey home was okay. Lovely to meet you. I’m Ruby xx”

I risked two kisses. It was a little bit forward but at the end of the day, I had nothing to lose. More than likely those first two texts were just sympathy and I’d never get a response again. People tend to do that. Pretty much anyone and everyone that I’ve ever got close to has left in the end without a backwards glance. That’s why this time I promised myself so attachments, it’s easier that way. It just sucks that no attachments is pretty damn hard for me. Somehow it always happens. It’s so easy, just a look and I know I’m in trouble. Laura was the last but it’s been over a year since we last spoke and I’m desperately trying to push the memories of the two years we spent together out of my mind. It’s not easy. Every time I close my eyes I can still feel her hand firmly pressed into the small of my back and her breath tantalisingly caressing my neck.

Enough! I force my eyes open and fight to remain conscious. I know the minute I slip out I will lose all control and right now I do not have the energy for that. I know how dangerous the repercussions can sometimes be. Not that anyone else understands it. Not that I’ve ever tried to make them understand, so I guess I’m to blame for that. My phone was buzzing again. I jumped so much that I’m pretty sure one of the slats in my bed cracked. I could hear the din from the television downstairs and contemplated going down. There didn’t seem to be a point, me and my Mum could be in the same room and it would still feel like we were world apart. I couldn’t wait for the next fortnight to be over, then I would finally be out of here and on that train to university. A new life with new people and no attachments. I’d already planned to throw myself so far into my work that nothing else mattered. It felt like I’d been offered a lifeline with this place and I certainly wasn’t about to mess any more of my life up than I had already.