as friends || l.s.

As Friends

Words:  1440

It's been so long since I felt overwhelmed by everything. I felt that ... it just doesn't make sense. I went to therapy many times, but it didn't help .. Harry, I'm afraid to tell him anything. We've always been close ... as friends.

I didn't really know if he had feelings for me. Because I think so, I thought about him all the time .. Kisses were always friendly, there was no such thing "seriously". They always hit the cheeks, sometimes they happened on the mouth.

When I wanted more, I had to hold back. I was afraid that he didn't reciprocate me with feelings .. and that I was strange. We've been friends since we were little, I didn't want to destroy it.

For less than 2 weeks I have felt very weak, tired and I have no strength for anything. I started to lose weight more than before. My weight dropped from 78 kg to 67 kg. I was going to see a doctor to see if everything was fine. Unfortunately, I have concerns about lung cancer. I knew that my smoking was not going to end well, despite the fact that I continued smoking.

Hoarseness has been with me for a week, I started to spit blood a little. My condition worsened day by day, my hands were shaking, my breathing was shallow. 19 year old I have lung cancer.

I don't know how to tell Harry about my illness. The doctor said that we should fight cancer with the right chemicals. I didn't know it was a good idea ... I would have died anyway.

Maybe I shouldn't think that, but it probably will. I took the cigarette in my hand and Harry's lighter. There was an inscription carved on it. He was similar to "Larry Stylinson" although that is not possible ... It is also impossible that he has feelings for a friend with whom I have known since childhood. I totally don't know what to do. I would like to free myself from everything and feel something .. Tell him how I feel about him.

I won't tell Harry about cancer. He will find out after he dies ... Nothing will be really lost ... just me, a regular smoker. All in all, I'm shocked when people care about me, I just ... Never mind. I've always wondered what it's like to die, I already know. Without proper support measures, my body was exhausted. I really don't have any hope for a new tomorrow. Everything will be the same, I'm slowly dying. The doctor couldn't tell me that, but I know it. An unprotected kid who enters the life of an adult dies ...

I wanted to record a few songs that describe my life. I have 2 texts so far, maybe they will be useful. One of them is "Always you".

"I went to Amsterdam without you
And all I could do was think about you And, oh-oh-oh, I should've known

I went to Tokyo to let it go Drink after drink but I still felt alone I should've known

I went to so many places Looking for you and the faces I can feel it Oh,

I can feel it I'm wasting my time when it was always you, always you

Chasing the high but it was always you, always you Should have never let you go, oh-oh Should have never let you go, oh, my baby Go, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh I went from LAX to

Heathrow Walked through my door but I found nothing like home

Cos you're not home When you wrap your legs around me And I know you hate the smoke without me And, oh-oh-oh Now you know

I'm wasting my time when it was always you, always you Chasing the high but it was always you, always you

Should have never let you go, oh-oh Should have never let you go, oh, my baby Go, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

Should have never let you go, oh-oh Should have never let you go, oh, my baby Go, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

I went to so many places Looking for you and the faces I could feel it Oh, I can feel it Wasting my time when it was always you, always you

I was chasing the high but it was always you, always you

Should have never let you go, oh-oh Should have never let you go, oh, my baby Go, oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

Should have never let you go, oh-oh Should have never let you go, oh, my baby , oh-oh, oh-oh-oh My baby Oh, my baby"

This song is important to me, yeah ... It's about Harry, I hope that one dickhead doesn't realize. My little idiot ... he's gonna write some songs about him.

I was walking through the empty princess park thinking I had a few months left. I sang my favorite song under my breath ... little things. I really love this song.

"I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth
But if I do, it's you, oh, it's you, they add up to
I'm in love with you and all these little things

You can't go to bed without a cup of tea
Maybe that's the reason that you talk in your sleep
And all those conversations are the secrets that I keep
Though it makes no sense to me

I know you've never loved the sound of your voice on tape
You never want to know how much you weigh
You still have to squeeze into your jeans
But you're perfect to me

I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth
But if it's true, it's you, it's you, they add up to
I'm in love with you and all these little things

You never love yourself half as much as I love you
And you'll never treat yourself right, darling, but I want you to
If I let you know, I'm here for you
Maybe you'll love yourself like I love you, oh"

This song perfectly describes me ... and my relationship with Harry. Only he does not know that I love him. The only downside. Although there are many of them in total. I'd rather not go deeper into it. I haven't been answering phone calls and text messages from Harry for several days, I don't want him to know about my terrible disease.
That will torment me for the rest of my life.

Suddenly, Harry ran from behind the wall and shouted "akuku" it was so cute. He ruffled my hair .. I noticed a little tuft of hair on his hands, this is my hair. Brunet did not pay attention to it and just shook it from his hand. We started talking about various things. At one point my voice broke and I felt like crying, but I held back. I wouldn't tell him what's bothering me, because he'd collapse. And I didn't want that. We had to go home. I was going to go to dinner and Harry was going to be go at the dentist.

When I got home, dinner was waiting for me. I put on two toasts and fried bacon. After I had eaten dinner, I went to my room and sat down at my desk. I took a previously written sheet of text for another song for Harry. And I finished it.

"We were too young [Bridge] It's been two years since I’ve seen your face

I'm tryna find some better words to say Before I let this moment slip away 'Cause now I realize"

These songs are really important to me. Maybe to others they would seem simple, but I love them with great love.

8 months later

I've been to the doctor recently. I have an unequal week to live. I decided to write a letter for Harry. Let it be him. I will miss him upstairs ....

Dear Harry,

As you read this, I'm already dead. I had cancer. You must know how much I miss you now. Even though I am already up there, I would like to convey to you very important things.

For the last 2 years I have felt something for you. It was something serious .. I didn't treat you as a friend anymore, I just fell in love with you.

You was one of the people I needed most in my life. You saved them for me. Remember you are the greatest person in the world, the wisest and most beloved person I have met, do not change after all.

Always in my heart, Styles

Your Sincerely

Louis