Our Happy Ending? [#2]

fourteen

[UNEDITED][CHLOE][FILLER]

        “I’ve been thinking about something,” Matthew said. After I had phoned Jason to make sure he was alright with looking after Amanda for the entire week and Matthew had phoned Vivienne to tell her that she needed to drop her at Erin’s place and not here, we had spent most of the morning packing.

        “About?” I asked, pushing in the last of what I wanted before zipping the case up. I just about managed to do that without the need to sit on it to make it shut.

        “I think we should try for another baby,” Matthew replied and I froze.

        I swear, he always knew how to ruin the mood and how to make you want to slap him. He would just say things without thinking and I was really hoping this was one of those moments because I didn’t want to have this conversation now. In fact, I didn’t want to have it ever.

        I had told Matthew I didn’t want another baby because I wouldn’t be able to cope if we lost it. The pain would be far too much and I wouldn’t recover the same way I recovered this time, which wasn’t something I ever wanted. It was just easier emotionally if we didn’t try again and we accepted Amanda was going to be an only child.

        “We’re not having this conversation,” I muttered as I put my bag on the floor, grabbing Amanda’s from beside the bed and putting it on the top of my case. We needed to drop that off before we went anywhere otherwise she would be living in the same clothes for the rest of the week and I wasn’t going to allow that.

        “You never want to have this conversation. Why?”

        “I told you, I don’t want to try again. The doctor told us there was every chance we could lose the baby if we tried again. I can’t cope with that sort of pain again,” I snapped.

        “But he also said there’s every chance you will be able to carry the baby to term as well,” Matthew argued and I hated it when he was like this. I didn’t want an argument but it was going to happen anyway and there wasn’t anything I could do to prevent it from happening.

        “Exactly. A chance. Something I don’t wish to risk,” I snapped.

        I don’t know why I was so angry and defensive. This was the first time we had actually talked about the miscarriage since it had happened and I was shouting at him because he wanted the chance to be a father again; I was such a bitch when I wanted to be and I don’t even know why.

        I would say it’s because of my daddy issues but that’s the answer people always expect. Sure, I have issues with my father, but I can’t blame him for this when he wasn’t anywhere to be seen at the time it all happened.

        “You act like it only hurt you, but I was Riley’s father. It fucking hurt knowing I wasn’t going to get to meet my son and I wasn’t going to be able to so all the things with him a father should be able to do with his son. It still fucking hurts Chloe,” Matthew stated and, from the tone, I am pretty sure there were tears in his eyes. I had never seen Matthew cry because he had always been the strong one who kept everything together.

        He was just like Jason. He never showed when he was upset, he kept it to himself because he felt like he had to be strong for everyone else, but that only made it all worse.

        They both needed to realise that and they needed to realise that I was here for the two of them, even if I was the weakest of the three of us and lost my temper or got emotional over the smallest thing.

        “Losing Riley was the worst day of my life. It made me feel like a shitty mother because I couldn’t even protect our son and, when they told me they didn’t know what caused the miscarriage that only intensified that feeling. I felt worthless Matthew, both as a wife and a mother,” I sighed, turning round to face him. If we were going to do this, then we were going to do this. I may as well tell him what I was thinking and get it over with at the beginning of the holiday rather than at the end.

        “You are no less a woman now then you were before. Sure, they don’t know what happened, but it could be any number of things which caused it,” Matthew replied as he walked over to me, his hands on my shoulders as he looked at me. I could tell that he wanted to help but I didn’t know how he could help.

        “Why do you want another child so badly?” I muttered.

        “I just want the chance to be a father again and, despite what you keep saying, I know you want the chance to be a mother again,” Matthew said.

        “I don’t know Matthew. I just don’t think I’ll ever be ready.”

        “Then, perhaps we could try and if it happens, then it happens?” Matthew suggested.

        I knew I was being stubborn, but I didn’t want to run the risk of anything happening again. I didn’t want to face that agonising pain and heartbreak all over again, it would be far too much and I didn’t want to feel like I did all over again.

        I didn’t want to disappoint Matthew by telling him that he wasn’t going to be a father again. I didn’t want to hurt him by telling him I had lost his second child. I didn’t even want to tell him that if all else failed, I was considering making sure I could never get pregnant again.

        I was probably being selfish and a bitch, but I knew this wasn’t something I was ready for and I wasn’t going to rush into something I didn’t want. Something I would probably never want again if I could help it.

        “How about we get this week over with and then we can talk about it?” I suggested. I didn’t want to ruin something which was going to be so perfect.

        “Fine, but I have something I want to say first,” Matthew paused and he looked deep in thought, like he was considering the words to say. “Look, I love you Clo and I don’t see you as any less of a woman than you were before. I know how hard it has been for you but we can’t move on with our future if we can’t move on from our past. Hell, I never said it was going to be easy, but we both need to go forward rather than backwards.”

        “I love you too Matthew and, after this week, I promise I shall try to move forward rather than look backward. I don’t want to lose you again,” I smiled, wrapping my arms around him in a hug and putting my head on his shoulder.

        “You won’t lose me. Trust me.”