TW
tatim pov
adrenaline.
we were flying. at the rate of the speed, i was sure enough this car was defying gravity. my body was slammed against the seat while i gripped the dear life out of zions leather interior, surly leaving nail marks. somehow i'm breathing perfectly fine, i figured going this fast would stop oxygen and i would just have a air bubble stuck in my lungs until we slowed down and air would slowly steep back, causing me to breathe normally again.
i was at peace. this felt too natural, almost like it was second nature to me. something that i've never felt before but feels like home.
i longed for the speed to never ease. something about being on a fine line between death was so... reckless.
it was giving me a sense of feeling. like my numbness i've felt for so long was being stripped away at this very second. my vision felt clearer, the walls i've built were crumbling. crumbling without my blessing, just like how they were built.
nothing mattered in this moment. but everything mattered in this moment. i was being hit with intense emotions, i almost couldn't take it. it was stinging my heart, sparking off little specks of fireworks without the pop, just the after effect. when the fireworks trickle down sparking and that loud swoosh of pops occur, signaling that the bright beautiful fire was disappearing. that's what was happening in my chest.
pain, beautiful pain. i missed her, i wanted to hug her and tell her how much she's been missed and i'm glad she's back. but it was just emotions. nothing physical
just simple feeling. just simple feeling, that left me long ago.
i've been sub consciously counting each time we hit the starting point. and this was the last go around until it was all over. i feared once we physically stopped, i'd emotionally stop too. it was too good to be true that with one action taken from going an out of the ordinary speed i would be me again. normal tatim. the tatim who gets to feel emotions to the fullest extreme whether it be good or bad.
i didn't even care to notice billie was in the lead. it didn't matter to me, winning. but i knew zion was gonna be defeated and turn into a 2 year old. honestly i could give zeros shits. he can be a 2 year old alone, i'm not dealing with it. my focus is me, how i feel and how i'm not going to feel.
i don't want it. to deal with the fear of loss again.
"FUCK" zion shouted angrily next to me, evaporating the thoughts away. my body loosened from its tensed up contractions. i was back to reality and before i could savor the last spark, it was gone. just like that. i felt nothing. just like i knew i would.
i relaxed in the seat defeated. just as zion was. defeated. but two totally different meanings to defeated. my heart slowed its pace as-well as the car did. we made our way back around inching towards the crowd of people swarming round billie.
as the car came to a stop, there was a second pause until a loud thud erupted. i jumped in response knowing too well of the sound. i didn't dare to look at him or breathe not wanting to be an open target to zions rage right now.
with rough movements he eventually got out of his car slamming it shut. i was able to let out a shaky breath deep within my lungs. i wasn't gonna let myself weep in here. i didn't wanna cry, i've cried too much tonight. for someone who doesn't feel i sure do cry an awful bunch. that's the fucked up thing with dissociation.
i carried my body to where everyone was hanging around. no one noticing my arrival, too focused on the heat thankfully. i just stood and waited to be ordered with the next move onto what we were gonna do next.
