I honestly dont know why im doing this but dear god bless the pour souls that read this.
Him
As stupid as it sounds, i was in a relationship about two years ago that lasted almost a year. This guy was so nice, listened to my stupid bull shit, let me sobbed to him, laughed with me, etc, etc. Fell in love with a single conversation, he just took me like that. It was just something about him that drew me in, maybe his eyes, im unsure what. But just like that he changed after we split for the first time. His reasoning was amazing behind it too, told me i was faking depression. (Ill have anyone actually reading this, i wasnt.) Just as quickly as we fell he rose back up and treated me like a rock in a bunch. I stay up late now and even though this stupid shit that shouldnt be bothering me still lurks in my mind. I have so many great people now, Emily, Jerry, etc. But god the feeling I had when I was with him, it wasn't just dating that made me feel like that. Just his energy, him being in the same room made me feel like I was myself, like I could actually like myself and not feel guilty about it. Maybe we could be friends I thought but ofcourse boys gotta be boys and seem like they didnt give any of two shits about your feelings, or atleast those petty white blonds. Said I was a stalker, and what we had was just a joke. God how much that burned haha.. turned the whole school against me. First fucking week of school and kids I didnt even know were attacking me for stalking him and bull shit. I didnt know talking to someone and liking their posts was stalking, learn something new everyday. He was my damn world, my everything that was holding me together and he just flipped the switch. He flipped the switch and boom there he was, gone. I felt like I was dying, like I was falling apart by the second. But im just some teenager and this is just me being emO (bOo hOO hes JUst a gUy iknow-). I cant handle the thought of being alone. Just the thought of drowning and falling so far but no one is there to pull you out of the hole. When someone does come along youre already so far gone but you just keep sinking no matter how much you fight back. Im sick of wanting more but Im the reason why I dont have more. School isnt any better, failing my classes and screwing up my bullshit. Ofcourse my parents arent taking me seriously when I tell them im not ok. Their first thing is to call me an emo and that i need to stop bringing in the negativity because theres enough in the world. My opinion was never crazy important to them which im not that shocked about. I cant help it, Im just waiting for the overwhelming pain to just calm down or atleast numb itself for a bit. Its draining.
Parents
Its not like I want to die, hell no life is too short just to end it right here right now. I just wish they believed me or atleast get me the therapist they "threatened" me with about a year ago since they thought I needed it so bad. I need it more than ever but I would doubt theyd give me one. Theres no conversation between my parents and I anymore, unless Im being yelled at. My mom is never home anymore and her damn lupus doesnt help either. (Lupus is a disease that pretty much makes your body attack itself, its like suicide but your body chooses it, not you.) My real dad was never there for me and my step mom manipulated me a lot as a kid but my dad never believed me. My step dad clearly favorites my sister and thinks im a fuck up apparently. Im trying to be what they want as a good child but everything I do, is just one step behind what they want. Its overwhelming more than school and I think thats saying something. I cant talk to an adult figure without me being hit with the age excuse like they always say. I sobbed for days straight over one kid and all they did was tell me sorry and bullshit.
For your sake just ignore this post and or anything else I post under here just because itll just be stupid bullshit
