I look at myself in the mirror and I no longer know who I am. I know that before all this, there was a time, but I can't remember it. I have no recollection of what it feels like to feel. I'm probably just tired. Perhaps I worked too hard.
I am sleeping, but the nightmare continues when I wake up. Now, is this my life? I'm hiding from everyone by acting fine because I don't want them to see me this way. I have no idea where it comes from, what it is, or how to get rid of it.
It is very difficult to do schoolwork sometimes. It's not that I sit around trying to make myself lazy. It's that I can't really see that point in what I do anymore. Why do I even do any of these things? In the end, what does all that matter anyway? It gets much harder to do when I can't sense the significance of the work I'm doing.
I do so much work at other times that people have to believe I have my life together. Because it's a nice diversion from life, the true reason I do all that work. I have no time to worry about how fucked up everything else is when I drown myself in working with my school works. It is a good way to hide from everyone, too. It is the socially acceptable version of lying all day in my bed.
There are days when my best friend and I hang out and I'm actually happy. I suppose I'm getting better. But my happiness will fade away sooner or later. Within me, there's something saying, "You're stepping up too fast, time to knock you down."
I like distracting myself from the lives of other people. Whenever I get the opportunity, I start conversations with people. Hearing the story of someone else helps to take my mind off the fact that my life is a mess.
One thing I can't get rid of is this loneliness. How many people I have around me doesn't matter. When I'm alone in my bed, sadness haunts me. It is always there when I go out or when I am surrounded by people. It's my constant partner. It's like the whole of the universe is shifting, and here I am, like a ghost, watching it.
I feel this pain continuously in my heart and my mind is in turmoil, like it's buzzing and numbing me all the time. I get scared quickly, I get jumpy, I get fazed, and I get incredibly uncomfortable. I wanted to let all this out, but lately, by throwing all my issues and concerns to them, I feel like they're making my problems theirs too and I don't want that. I feel like I'm too much to my friends. I know they have stuff to deal with, too, and I don't want to add up and make them sad too. They're here for me, I know, but I can't feel the warmth. I am constantly drowning in my thoughts and I can't seem to breathe. I don't know how long I can keep this up. No one in my family knows what I feel and they wouldn't understand anyway. I wanna live but lately, I don't see why I should continue living anymore.
-JD
