White Crystal Butterflies | Wattys 2021 Shortlist | ✔

Chapter Thirty-One

Four hours later, I wake on my own before the alarm I set. There's a certain kind of reassurance in the realization that I still have all my old habits buried somewhere, ready to surface again when needed. Yahvi and I called four-hour nights "field naps." They were my default setting when we were in a crisis situation, when eight hours was wasted time but two or three meant brain fog and fatigue.

That habit saved lives in situations just like this, but it was the bane of my existence after I left earth. Stress and isolation flipped my body back to crisis mode, whether or not the danger was actually there. I think I ran on four hours of sleep a night for most of my first two or three years in the outer UIS.

I sit against the tunnel wall and let Liu rest for a little while longer, then shake her awake. She groans and tries to pull the blanket up over her head. Her hand bumps her mask.

That must be a nasty reminder.

In another minute, she's up and silently helping me pack down our camp. We split a granola bar for breakfast. Liu savors her half, curling in on herself almost subconsciously as she keeps her gaze fixed on the vertical tunnel we'll be returning to shortly. I've noticed her avoiding my eye as often as not since we left the surface. This feels like one of those times.

"You've been climbing well," I say quietly.

It's a sudden impulse, but as soon as the words are out, I know I needed to voice them. Liu's gaze jerks to me, caught off guard.

I can only manage half a smile. It hurts, but I hold it. "I'm sorry I never gave you a chance before this. I know I promised it, and then broke that promise. I'm sorry for that." Saying it drags thorns through my chest, but as piercing as the feeling is, it leaves me lighter. "I saw your work in the lab. And I've seen your determination to contribute, and to improve where you needed to in order to do that. You've been a valuable member of this team, whether or not I let you take that role. So thank you. I'm really glad you're along on this mission."

Liu is looking at her hands now, twisting a backpack strap between them with a grip that betrays her feelings. I see her throat bob as she swallows. "Thank you," she whispers.

She doesn't move, though. She's got more to say.

The strap winds around her hands. She squeezes it and holds it there. "Was it hard?" she says at last, without looking up. "Taking this mission."

"How so?"

"Tobias told me what happened back on earth."

Oh.

My throat is suddenly too tight to answer. I'm not mad that she knows. After two months spent living with the consequences of my decision to lead this team, it's only fair.

I think my silence speaks for itself. Liu twists the strap agan. "Tobias said he thinks Zuri pushed you to come. And that you might not have been ready to lead a team again. I think..." Her voice wavers. "If that's true, I think we could have been more understanding, too. I'm sorry."

It's taking an effort just to keep my breath from hitching. It shouldn't be her apologizing to me, but the ache in my chest betrays me. My thank you comes out barely louder than hers did.

"If there's any way we can help, just let us know," says Liu. "Or..." She swallows again. "Or just me." If Tobias didn't make it. "You shouldn't have to do everything alone."

I don't have words, and even if I did, my voice wouldn't work anyway. I drop a hand on hers and squeeze it gently. It's my thanks. She squeezes it back.

We need to get moving again. Liu folds up the granola bar wrapper and tucks it away. Then we straighten out the climbing gear we never took off, rope ourselves to the wall, and leave the horizontal tunnel. Best to get moving before the looming threat of soreness sinks in its claws.