I should've dyed my hair blue because I wouldn't of been scared to hold her. Instead I chose red like I always have been, never choosing her first for everytime I tried to get close or make some romantic moment, it would hurt she wasn't with me and if she didn't want me. It's so much easier to pretend I don't care than truly lose any connection to her. I'm scared she would hate me, that I wouldn't be patient enough, that she'd fall out of love, that it just wouldn't work because of how different we inherently are even though her existence calms me, she's so charming and she's the first blonde who's ever turned me on and the only woman who made quiet nights my favourites. Red was as wild as me, someone like me, someone I thought would understand, someone who wouldn't leave me on seen and would go on every adventure with me and wasn't afraid to hold my hand or say what he wanted or be angry with me.Red wouldn't leave me lonely but he'd make me jealous. Maybe red should've been afraid to hold my hand like blue because she held that depth of love in her heart for me even if it meant she'd fall apart while red kept a guard up and I guess I liked that. I liked that he had trauma like me because it's exhausting feeling so alone in a room full of people who know nothing about you, know nothing of the pain you've been through, there's no one to talk to unless I get drink til my walls start to crumble just for a moment. I'm scared of blue, even though she feels right, even when I want to choose my heart just this one time but the last time I nearly died. I'm sorry I'm the bad guy in this story, that I never chose her first and the closest I came to I just felt I was taking more and more steps towards a pit full of spikes, a bloody death of a precious relationship I don't want to risk for my own desire to be more. I'm sorry I never talked to you blue about what happened, that I lost feelings, I'm sorry I never went all out, I had plans to and not hearing from you made me worry. Thank you for trying and always supporting me, I deeply deeply love you and all the words I will never say is always a factor of my depression, that I can't trust anyone really, that I'm so so needy, I constantly feel cheated but I am the bad guy in this story because I chose wrong and I didn't talk to you and I didn't involve you for once because I'd rather be the asshole than ruin your perspective of love and break your heart with the truth of how hard it is. That it would be a lot for us to work out and at the time I was losing my family, I couldn't focus on you and i needed someone to take care of me and burden with it all. I didn't want to put that on you when it's something you can't relate to. I wasn't ready for us to work out when my world came crashing down. I'm sorry blue. Red is the last boy that will ever be, that isn't to be with you but I'm tired of picking "the one" in a moment and being so terribly afraid of something new, of being the inexperienced and being alone because when I'm alone I don't want to be here anymore, I know how to live alone but I don't like it compared to the confidence I get with someone and being able to connect with them without words. I hope red is my soulmate but deep down I think the colour of him/her will always be blue. Red makes me jealous but blue made me lonely. I don't think I deserve you yet blue and when I'm ready I'll dye my hair and try forget about being part of a set and just be on my own for once.
