"Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future."
-Lewis B. Smedes
"Hello?"
I bent down to retrieve a misplaced sippy cup, attempting to balance the phone between my ear and shoulder as I did so.
"May I speak to a Ms....." the woman paused before continuing, and I assumed she was looking at her computer screen in attempts of recollecting my last name....."McCarter?"
I stood, holding the cup, and eyebrows slightly raised.
"This is she. May I ask who I'm speaking with?"
My eyes shifted toward the stairs, as the sound of deep laughter could be heard throughout the house.
"Ma'am could you hold on for a second?" I placed my hand over the reciever, sighing. "Babe, could you-"
Before I could finish my sentence, Marcus entered the foyer, along with a smiling Alena, silently apologizing.
"We'll keep it down. Ain't that right, LeLe?" Alena nodded, smiling brightly. I mouthed a quick thank you to him, placing a small kiss onto his lips before making my way into the dining room to finish the conversation at hand.
Sitting at the table that nealy extended from one end of the room to another, I placed the phone back onto my ear. "Hello?"
"This is Nurse Shirley Jones from Atlanta's Medical Center, calling about the condition of your mother."
My heart clenched in my chest, and my breath hitched. "My mother? What happened? Is she okay?"
"She was admitted at around 3 p.m. One of her neighbors made a call to the 911 dispatcher stating that she had experienced a series of seizures."
I felt my eyes begin to water, and I didn't bother to wipe away the tears that threatened to fall. I hadn't talked to my mother in nearly four months.
"Oh my God. Is she okay?"
A moment of silence followed my questioning, and I'd almost wondered if I'd been disconnected.
"Is there anyway that you could get here anytime soon? Her condition is debatable, and I'm not permitted to release personal information via telephone."
"I-I live in Houston, but I can be there by tomorrow."
"Alright. I'll be sure to inform the doctor of your arrival."
After hanging up, I sat in silence for about 15 minutes. I hadn't realized how long I'd been sitting in silence, until I felt Marcus' strong embrace enveloping me from behind.
"Baby, what's wrong?"
And it was as if those three simple words alone triggered the tears. I sobbed heavily as he attempted to comfort me, despite the fact that he was unaware of the reason for my sudden break down.
I wasn't sure how to tell him that I was slowly but surely falling into a state of confusion. Or that in a matter of just minutes, my life had taken a complete turn from the perfection I'd become accustomed to. And that no matter how heavily I'd attempted to leave my past within the streets of Atlanta, it would follow me for the remainder of my life.
As if on cue, Alena peeked her head around the corner before making her way into the area in which Marcus and I were situated.
I cried for my mother. But I also cried because I was returning to a place in which I never wanted to be again. She removed her finger from her mouth, which had become a bad habit of hers, before climbing into my lap and wrapping her arms around my neck.
After a few seconds, she pulled back, her eyes wandering over my face. I watched as she lifted her tiny hand, gesturing as she'd been taught by her sign language teacher.
I wiped my eyes, smiling before responding quickly with my right hand. "Yeah, baby. Mommy's alright."
But, I wasn't.
That, along with many of the other things I'd experienced over my lifetime, was a lie.
Alena in MM.
