⚠️ TW/CW ⚠️
luna's pov
It's been a year since the person who I never thought would leave me, did. Here i am, holding our printed picture in my hands with tears flowing continuously without an end to it. If you didn't leave me, i wouldn't be here, seating opposite my doctor while holding our picture. I aggressively banged my head on the table with my hands protecting my head. I annoyingly ruffled my hair and burst out even more while my psychologist who's seating opposite me, lean himself nearer to his desk. I sighed heavily and looked up. "I hate this, maybe I should end it" I talked to myself underneath my breath but totally forgot i'm seating opposite my own psychologist.
He looked at me and started, "And, maybe your parents should start knowing your condition-" I cut him of by replying in a loud voice, "OKAY OKAY i'm sorry. Sorry i was just talking about the anime i'm watching..." I slowly started tearing up after being reminded from my own reply. I lazily placed my head on the desk and sighed.
"Have you try the medicine the psychiatrist gave you last week?" I nod, while looking up at his face, knowing I lied. "Fuck it. Why do smart people even exist?" I asked myself while scratching my head. "Do the meds even cure my mental health?" I asked. "They don't. But, they often improve symptoms. So eat it". I force a smile and he continued. Oh, how I ended up here you asked me?
last year
I was woken up by a loud noise of tears and sad voices. my head aches whenever I tried to focus on my surroundings but eventually, I finally realized I was in a hospital ward the entire time. My head and right hand was bandaged with blood stains that can be seen through my bandage. I sat myself on the bed, trying to find for Hiroki. The tears and people crying for a patient got louder and louder that it distracted my entire search. I turned to my right, only to realized that Hiroki's pale face was slowly covered with a white cloth over him.
I dashed across the curtains that was covering his bed and eventually was stopped by few nurses. I begged and begged to let me see him for the last time. I held his lifeless cold hands tightly and started shivering. They finally opened his face once again and revealed a white pale face of Hiroki's. I dropped to my knees, couldn't stand seeing him in this state anymore. I closed my mouth, trying to except the reality that he left. I felt someone pushed me to their embrace and caressed my arm while I tried taking my breath while trying to stop crying but I kept failing.
I stayed in the hospital for days, not eating. The appetite I always had disappeared. I started believing there's no use in my life anymore and by thinking how useless I am. It's my fault that he's gone, not fate. On the day I got discharged, I went to the highest level of the hospital, decided that it should be the end of me. I wanted to yell as much as I could before I can't anymore. As soon as I reached the rooftop area, I got caught by two doctors hanging out, smoking on the rooftop.
One was the doctor that treated me and that's how I knew I fucked up. I quickly turned around but got called out. "Miss Kim! come back here. Where were you heading to?" The doctor asked me. I started trembling, and got scared. My doctor brought me downstairs to the lowest level and asked me for my parents number. "They're dead" I confidently said. "I'll confirmed it with the police, since i have a friend wh-"
"Fine! they do. They're still alive but please, I'm a legal adult, and all i wanted was to smoke, too. Also, please never contact my parents...or I'll have to tell the hospital that you were smoking at a restricted area" I said. "So... you're threatening me now?" He laughed and I begged and knelt on my knees until he could give in and let me go. I lied about smoking but I just thought that would be a perfect idea to cover myself up. He decided to give in but with one condition. That is to at least give him someone's number I'm close with. I gave him my housemate's number and I was free to go.
The entire year without Hiroki by my side, was a hard time for me. I was always ready to meet and be with him but I don't want to think about my life regrets. every time I am one step closer to jump, everything started haunting me. I tried as many suicide options but none was successful. Months later, I started hating myself even more. Once i started thinking about how he left, it triggers myself more. He was the one who saved me and all I wanted in return was to be the one who always stays by his side.
I started losing patience and threw a glass frame I had in my room to cut myself with the glass piece. I slashed myself everywhere I can. The more i go, the deeper effort I put. Until I realized I fainted from losing a lot of blood from my arms, thighs and body. That was when I realized I should've killed myself instead. the hospital sent me to the mental hospital and I stayed there for a week. I was introduced to a great, young and a handsome looking psychologist and he's now someone who have helped me till this day. I went to his office to talk sometimes when I need it.
back to reality
"What should i do now, doc? I miss him so terribly much..." i wiped my stain tears on my cheek with a tissue paper from his desk. "Hm, maybe doing something that genuinely reminds you of him? Like something he does most of the time, or like things he have passion for...?" I looked at my socks covered with a slip on, while thinking. Right, he was a figure skater. I nod then look up and said. "He skates but I'm afraid I can't do it" he nod. "It can be dangerous if you're not used to it but i suggest something else?" He continued. "I'll think about it. Also I'll get going, thanks for today" he looked surprised because i usually spend my entire appointment time here. I stood up and put my hands in my hoodie pocket. I bowed him goodbye and walk towards the door.
I heard a rushing walk behind me and I turned to see who was it. "Noona. Here, it's for you. They had an offer since it's valentines day. So, I got you dark chocolates" he gave me a paper bag that says Royce's Chocolate. That expensive chocolate. I took it from him and replied, "Hey, I'm not even older than you. Didn't i said to call me by my name? We're just about three months apart but... hey, thanks for this. I really appreciate your kindness and thoughtfulness. I'll eat this for sure when i get back" we both laughed and he waved goodbye to me, "See you next week, Luna". I took the lift downwards and took a cab home.
I changed my slip on to my home slippers while looking around for Seehye. I look at the calendar on the kitchen top. It's not even Friday or Sunday yet but she should've be home by now since it's Monday evening. I know her well and she wouldn't go out once she came back from academy even if she's hungry or she left something outside. Self care is her first priority. I sit on the dining chair while opening up the chocolate's box from the paper bag.
It was wrapped in a pink and huge heart case, followed by the ice pack. I for real love dark chocolates. They aren't weird just an elite choice. Come to think of it, I never remembered telling Jay about my favourite chocolate. I ate the first one and decided to video call Seehye to ask where she is.
I dial her and she picks up in the last few rings. "Wussup. Are you still outside?" I asked her and she looks like she's walking in the street filled with people. "Ya. I had extra classes since I'm graduating soon, remember?" I nod, fast. I forgot she's graduating this year. She took an extra year because she took a break year around mid February. She then looked at me eating. "You have a valentine? Who give ya chocolates huh?" She giggled and I smiled. "My doctor. Also why? Ya jealous?" I winked at her and she laughed, followed by another person, who I assumed a guy, entering her frame.
"Hey there!" She showed her camera to him and he waved. I am starting to understand the situation. He peck her neck and talk to her. "I see where this is going, bitch. Go and spend your Valentine's Day. Not sure if you're coming home but don't stay outside too late" She smiled, hearing my response and I continued, "Bye" I end the call and ate about two more chocolates and kept the rest in the freezer.
