𝐒𝐇𝐄𝐋𝐓𝐄𝐑 [𝘭𝘦𝘷𝘪 𝘹 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳]

chapter 3

the pain always hit at the strangest times. this time it was in the dining hall.

you turned away from the counter with a fresh tray of food, automatically looking for the table your friends would sit at, only to find empty chairs. the reminder was like a punch in the gut.

you knew the desolate emotion was written plainly across your face, so you put on what you hoped to be a neutral expression and made your way through the doors in the back, walking quickly down the hallway until you were out of eyeshot.

you needed to be alone. you were constantly surrounded by people, always having to keep up some kind of a facade so they didn't worry about your well-being. you couldn't even cry in your bed, even the slightest of noises alerting the neighboring room.

ever since captain levi had broken the devastating news to you, you'd been functioning on auto-pilot.

you'd dealt with loss before. a large number of the cadets you'd entered the survey corps with and trained alongside had died brutal deaths early into their military career. you'd let the pent up rage and sadness fuel your fighting when out on expeditions and it had quickly elevated you through the ranks.

anger was your most powerful weapon and you wielded it well.

this time was different though. you'd been fighting alongside these people for years now, had grown accustomed to their mannerisms and humor. you could recognize their footsteps if they were about to come knock on your door.

it felt deeply personal, and that's why you didn't know how to process it. there was nowhere to put all of the pain you felt and you didn't know what to do with all the love you'd held for them. they'd been your family and without them it felt like you were being swallowed by a void.

you weren't entirely sure where you were, having walked with your eyes trained on the ground to avoid any curious stares. it didn't matter, you would find your way back later.

there was a door to your right which you opened to find an empty spare room. it was probably once someones bedroom.

you quietly close the door behind you and let out a deep breath, pressing your back to the thin wood.

without the pressure of prying eyes following your every move, you felt the foreign glide of tears across your cheeks. before you knew it, there were heaving sobs leaving your body and you quickly smothered your mouth with your sleeve, not wanting to alert any passerby.

your back slowly slid down the door, eventually reaching the floor so you could slump and rest your forehead against your knees. you tried to take deep breaths to even your breathing, straining against the tightness in your lungs.

you closed your eyes but were immediately met with images of mutilation and gore. you shake your head to try to rid the image from your mind and bring your thumb and forefinger to rub the bridge of your nose. it felt like there was a constant headache pounding behind your eyes.

your breaths were still coming out harshly, the winter chill making soft puffs of vapor visible in the air, but it felt like a kind of relief. you'd been holding it in too long.

after what felt like hours, your breath was finally starting to even out and you felt sleepy. you were preparing to move and return to your bunk when you hear the creak of floorboards from the other side of the door. your breath catches and you quickly lift your head.

someone was right outside the door.

you quickly stood, moving to open the door and find the culprit, half expecting them to be gone.

you were shocked to find the face of captain levi.

"captain?" you questioned, still shocked that he was standing there. it didn't appear he'd even tried to avoid being caught.

he pushed through the doorway, his shoulder brushing yours in the process and you closed the door, shutting you both inside the small space.

you turned to face the man, trying to understand his strange behavior.

"how long have you been standing outside the door? were you listening to me?" you ask, the end of your question adopting an angry lilt at his intrusiveness.

"tsk, don't be stupid," he said, scoffing. he didn't try to explain himself otherwise so you continued to press him.

"then what were you doing?"

"i was trying to figure out why one of my cadets decided to skip dinner. how do you expect to be of any use in the field if you're weak and hungry?"

"i'm not weak and skipping one meal isn't gonna change that," you reply, thoroughly pissed at his invasiveness.

"this isn't the first meal," he says.

"i know what my body needs to be able to function properly on expeditions. i'm fine," you spit back, feeling defensive and vulnerable at the knowledge that he's been observing you for longer than you were aware of.

you knew you hadn't been taking the best care of yourself for the past week, but you couldn't find it in yourself to force down food when you felt sick to your stomach most of the time.

"you weren't fine the other day when i had to save you from practically killing yourself," he says, a hint of anger creeping in at the edges of his calm demeanor.

"i can handle myself, i'm not a fucking child," you spit the words at him like venom, a deep glare taking over your features.

"watch your fucking tone when talking to your captain," he snaps at you, stepping closer and causing you to flinch slightly but you don't back down, gaze unwavering.

"captain," you emphasize the word a bit too much to be respectful, "i'm fine."

he doesn't respond and only matches your glare with his familiar neutral expression.

"i promise i'll eat something later i just needed to leave," your voice takes on a pleading tone by the end, "please let me be."

the embarrassment at being caught in such a vulnerable state was hitting you. you really just wanted to be alone, his presence was overwhelming and you felt strange around him, he made you feel uneasy and on-edge.

he didn't respond to your plea. you looked up expecting to find nothing, but for once his eyes weren't stagnant voids, rather they flit between yours as if searching for something, a furrow creasing his brow. suddenly his eyes fell lower.

your were confused for a second but quickly came to the realization that he was staring at your lips. you felt your eyes widen slightly and you inhaled slightly too quick creating a small gasp sound. at the noise, his gaze flicked back up to your eyes and you saw confusion cross his gaze.

his mouth opened and closed like he wanted to say something, but then his gaze hardened into a slight glare and he turned and walked out the door, slamming it behind him.

you were left standing frozen for a few seconds before your brain processed what had just happened. you let out a deep breath and moved to sit against the wall, tilting back your head and letting your body relax. you'd deal with whatever just happened later.