"Object"

Trauma

Confusion...Scared...Paralyzed, is what I felt when it all happened. It's a shame really, how innocent 'me' never realized that the acts the old man had done to me were beyond disgusting and revolting. I had always blamed myself for what had happened, never could I accept, "It wasn't my fault." I blame myself for never speaking up about it but...how was I supposed to know such an act was taboo? Disgraceful? Frowned-upon? I was a child, after all, I shouldn't have to be exposed to such vile actions!

I was a child, an innocent child and yet...he took that innocence away. I felt uncomfortable, disgusted, and confused as to what he was doing to 'my' body. When I objected he got angry and stormed away. Thinking it was the end I went back to sleep but to my dismay, he came back and did the same. This time he banished me to the cold floor for objecting to his actions. I was scared as to why he was angry with me? Why? Why? Why? Nothing made sense to me, I was left puzzled and frightened that objecting him had led to my punishment. Foolish me kept hating myself for saying, "no," since I was punished as a result. Makes me laugh thinking about how silly I was to regret saying such a simple word back then when it was the best decision I could've ever made as a kid. He treated my body as if I were just an object...A fucking object. Throughout my childhood that man's actions caused a lot of trauma, I was always afraid to be alone with a man since I was scared the same actions would unfold again. To my dismay, it wasn't the end. The acts weren't as vile as that 'incident' but it was still disturbing. To be touched in private areas and looked at in such a way, especially as a child was sickening! Yet again, I never realized how indecent those acts were...how shameful and pitiful.

At 14 is when I truly understood that those actions were something I shouldn't have taken so light-heartedly. How foolish I was to only then realize I was sexually assaulted as a minor, a fucking minor. Oh, how I wished to have realized it sooner, and yet I still...I still blame myself. Why? Heh, funny...I don't know 'why' myself. To be taken advantage of when I was defenseless, vulnerable, and weak is truly sickening. Amusing how I am to blame for all of this...even my own mother blames me for never speaking up about it, but how was I supposed to know? How was I suppose to fucking know?! I was a child! A fucking four-year-old child when it all started! Why am I to blame!? Tell me? Why? I shouldn't have to be exposed to such dirty actions or have the knowledge of those sexual acts! I felt dirty learning how my body was touched in such a way and how I never stopped those men when it all went down...How amusing that I was afraid that if I were to object I would be punished, again.

At 16, I lost my virginity. I know what you're thinking, "What a fucking slut for doing it so young," well in all honesty I didn't want to lose it to begin with. I was manipulated you see, blinded by false love. I thought that if I were to give him my virginity he'd stay with me yeah? Oh how naive I was, he only ever thought of me as an object used for sex, nothing more. I wasn't ready when it happened. I didn't want it. I didn't want it! I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS! Those words kept repeating inside my head over and over. I wanted to stop him, to tell him 'NO!' or 'Stop!'...yet I didn't utter a word and stayed silent throughout the whole thing...scared of being fucking punished.

It's not like I seduced him into it, it's just that I was pressured into it, thinking he wouldn't stay if I didn't give him what he wanted. After he left, I told my sister what had happened. It wasn't until she asked, "Did you want to do it?" that it finally clicked...and I sobbed uncontrollably about how weak I was to be taken advantage of, to be raped. I wish I could say that was the last time I did the deed with him, but my love-struck self was too naive to realize how fucked up this so-called 'relationship' was and stayed, being used like an 'object'. It wasn't until I met another man, that I left. Blocking him out from my life for good. And so having left him and being with this new man would've changed my status as an 'object' yeah? No...I was still being used as a cum dumpster as one would name for a whore like myself. There was no love, no meaning throughout the course of this fucking relationship. I even exposed myself to him at my lowest, when I was mentally and physically unstable but you know what? This son of a bitch didn't care if I was in the mood or not, he got his way with 'my' body. And so I watched in shock, hiding the fact that I hated this and pretended that I enjoyed it, but in reality, I wanted to punch him, scream, just anything really! I didn't want to be touched! But I didn't say anything...Why? Well it's simple really. I was afraid I'll be punished. PUNISHED, PUNISHED, PUNISHED, PUNISHED, PUNISHED!!!!!! My mindset has been like this ever since my innocence was taken away by that pedophile!

I can never speak up for myself or disobey ever since that 'incident' from long ago. Frightened that if I were to decline I would be 'punished'. Stupid isn't it? Even now I can't fucking speak up for myself. I let them do as they please even when I'm not in the mood for it.

It hurts to be called a slut or a whore by my family for hooking up all the time. It's not like I intend to always have sex with them whenever I meet up, but it's all they ever want...And I don't ever speak up because of that stupid little mindset I had implanted in me from the very beginning.

How depressing that I can't ever stop this cycle of being used and thrown out. Afterall...I'm just an object aren't I? A.FUCKING.OBJECT.