GRACEFULLY BROKEN

CHAPTER FORTY THREE

Grief. It's hard to deal with, but it can also change people. My brother and my mother's words still rang in my head. I have been sitting in my room waiting for my grandfather to come. He walked in late in the evening just as I was preparing to sleep. I know they told me to leave but I just couldn't. I ran to him soon as I saw him and threw myself onto him and just cried. He held me and for the first time since I got here, I felt okay. He led me to the bed and we sat down.

Mkhulu: "Bubu what are you doing here?"
Me: "You also think I killed him?"
Mkhulu: "Of course not nana. I am just worried about the hostility here. I know how your mother and your siblings feel." I wipe the tears that have fallen from my eyes.
Me: "What do you think I should do?"
Mkhulu: "I think you should check into a hotel, stay there until the funeral."
Me: "But this is home."
Mkhulu: "I know that. But the way they feel about you right now I wouldn't want to wake up one day and find that you are dead because they poisoned you. People can do stupid things when they are hurt. And no I dont blaim you for any of this. I dont blame you for choosing your happiness over everything else. I dont blame you for your father's cowardice. For the first time in a long time you chose you. You put yourself first. And knowing you, if you stay here you will go back to the Buli who wants to please everyone and taking the blame for things you are not responsible for. You are not Jesus Bubu, you cant be carrying people's crosses. That's not right."
Me: "We are supposed to be a family mkhulu, do all families do this or is it just mine?"
Mkhulu: "Family is anyone and everyone who chooses to be in your life and adds positivity to it. And sometimes family isnt blood. It's the people who choose to love you and want you to be happy. And you my dear Bubu, you have that. That boy, he's your family. Your friends, they are your family. And I am your family too. This time put yourself first and never ever allow anyone to make you feel less than who you are, A beautiful, kind and crazy human being who loves with her heart and soul."

Maybe he is right. My mother's words are already replaying themselves in my head like a broken disc. Staying here will just drive me over the edge. After Mkhulu left I booked a hotel online, I packed my things and left in the middle of the night. Luckily most people had gone home and some were asleep. I requested an uber and decided to wait for it outside. Just as I walked out I found Nqoba smoking outside.

Nqoba: "Like a thief in the night you walk away." I decided to ignore him and kept walking towards the gate. He followed me and grabbed me by the hand. "I am talking to you Bulelwa."
Me: "You told me I should leave, now I am so what's your problem." He chuckles and spits something in the ground.
Nqoba: "Why? You cant face what you have done?"
Me: "I didn't do anything."
Nqoba: "Our father is dead because of you."
Me: "No your father is dead because he was a coward. He bullied and trampled on people his entire life because of greed and when he came face to face with people he couldn't bully he couldn't accept that so he took the easy way out." I yank my hand away from him.
Nqoba: "That man raised you, gave you everything that you wanted and you thank him by throwing his generosity right back in his face."
Me: "Yes he raised me, yes he provided for me and yes he did all that but that does not excuse him selling me off to the highest bidder." I see a car pull up at the gate, it must be my uber. "You can blame me all you want, call me names and whatever but you and I both know the truth. Our father was a selfish and greedy man who cared about no one but himself. And one day when you wake up and realize that I promise i won't tell you 'i told you so.' Until then have a nice life bhuti." I turn and walk away.

I get into the uber and we drive to the hotel. Just before he ends the trip I tell him to drive me to the airport. Mkhulu was right. I have a family. And it's time I put me first and forget about people who see me as nothing more than a means to an end. It's time I start living my life as Bulelwa, and live it for me.

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LANDO

Finding out I was pregnant was a bit of a shocker. I kept asking myself how and why before common sense kicked in. I am scared though. I have mothered Theo and I love him more than anything else in the world. I would lay my life on the line for him. With Theo I didn't get the opportunity to prepare myself for motherhood. I was thrown straight into the deep end and I had to learn to swim, fast, or else I would end up damaging the poor child. It's been a journey I have enjoyed and will continue to enjoy. But this time it's different. The fear and uncertainty is giving me endless anxiety. This time no one is throwing me into the deep end but I have to swim there myself.