The Poop That Lived...in a Sauna

The Mall

Morning haphazardly entered Daniel's bedroom through the horizontal slats of his blinds. It was 8 am, by his watch. Last night had been weird.

Dan heaved his legs out of bed and cautiously stepped toward the door. He realized, with a jolt, that his soiled pants were no longer in the corner he'd shoved them into before falling asleep. Looking around the room, he gathered that the pants were nowhere within eyesight. This filled him with a sense of dread, like he'd boarded an airplane and realized he'd left the stove on. Steeling himself, Dan left his bedroom and walked down the short hallway, pausing outside the bathroom.

It was spic and span. Cleaner than it'd been before the arrival of... the creature he still hadn't determined wasn't a bizarre hallucination. He moved past the disconcertingly untouched bathroom into the living room.

A strong smell inhabited the room, a scent never before smelled in Daniel's apartment. Yet unmistakable. Eggs cooking. Daniel heard some cheerful clinking noises coming from the kitchen, and someone... humming?

"Morning friend!" Horace's voice called jovially. Dan entered the kitchen to find the homunculus standing on a stool, holding a spatula and peering into a pan of omelet.

"Hey man... what's all this?" Daniel leaned against the doorframe. Horace looked over his lumpy shoulder.

"You were asleep, really, for a long time, maybe 8 hours or something." the homunculus snorted with mirth. "Gave me a lot of time to start my morning. Do some laundry, catch up on emails. And you're just in time for breakfast!" at this, Horace expertly flipped the omelet, which arrived neatly facedown on its uncooked side. Daniel noticed it was lightly speckled with brown spots. He opened a cabinet and poured himself a bowl of bran flakes.

"Smells great, Ace, but I think I'll, uh, start my morning with some fiber instead."

"Oh, sure, sure, gotta stay regular, right? More for this guy!" Horace laughed and slid the omelet onto a plate, which he carefully held as he hopped off the stool onto the floor, following Daniel back to the living room. Dan decided to ignore the tracks the creature was leaving. He plopped into the depths of the couch and started shoving spoonfuls of cereal into his mouth, slopping milk on his chest. His appetite had returned with a vengeance now that the overwhelming scent of human waste had been mostly covered up with egg odor. Horace watched him for a few moments without digging into his own food. "Ok, just wanted, again, to say sorry for coming at you last night. That was overkill. Like I said, I was hungry. And I really appreciate you letting me stay here and everything."

"Sure, man, anytime," Daniel said, his mouth full. He wasn't, like, super pleased that this creature had entered his life, but the homunculus was sort of nice. He'd cleaned up after himself, which was the important thing. It's hard to find a roommate who cleaned up.

"Ok, so I need your help with something. Like I said last night." Horace flicked the fetid spots that were his eyes at Daniel. Dan nodded, cheeks chipmunking with flakes. "I'll just get right into it. I could've lived in that sauna for another few years, you know? It would've been fine, it's a nice spot, I'm treated well, can get what I need. But... I fell in love, ok?" Horace was looking at his omelet, just kind of poking it around without eating. Daniel paused mid-chew, milk dripping down his chin, pooling at his belly button.

"Who with?" he asked, wondering if the homunculus would be physically capable of copulating should his affections be returned.

"His name is Roberto. He has these green eyes and a really thick beard, I mean he just seems like a nice guy, you know? Kind of person who radiates positivity." Horace paused and sniffed. Daniel wondered if he should offer the little guy a tissue or something. Did he have boogers if he was part booger? "He's also, you know, not crazy tall like you. More of a normal sized dude."