My Mother Divinity [Unedited]

Chapter Twenty-One

Almost Two Years Ago

Ceramic hits a stone wall with deafening fury. The daffodils spring up at the wind, brush against the lower windows, craning to watch the fight unfold. Higher pitch, lower pitch, listening to a female then a male and, occasionally, a young child's input.

"TWICE SHE'S SAVED MY LIFE!" I am screeching, never before heard this livid. "AND ONCE SHE'S DIED FOR IT, YOU THINK I WOULD FORGET THAT?"

"YOU'RE FUCKING FOLLOWING HER TO HER GRAVE!"

"WE HAVE NO CHOICE!" Something else smashes. The daffodils think it might be another mug, handmade, precious, shattered now. The kitchen is a mess, a product of its owners outbursts. It's starting to rain outside so Amon reaches behind him to shut the window.

Inside, Brodie appears by the doorway. So far he's been purposely avoiding the heated conversation but every once and a while trying to speak up to stop his parents from shouting. "When is Auntie Calista coming home?" he asks, still confused.

This question is enough to put a pin on the shouting. My lip trembles but I don't cry; not yet. It's been barely a week since we got the news that Amon's sister's Treatment was unsuccessful. We don't even know where her body is, cold and scarred and dumped somewhere alone.

"She's not coming home, bub," I say, my voice hoarse. I crouch down to embrace my son.

"Will you ever die?" asks Brodie, frightened. He knows what I mean. I pull back and look briefly at Amon who has to look away, facing the rain out the window.

"I'll live forever if I can get away with it," I sigh.

"Will you ever leave?"

I don't say anything.

"Jane," says Amon, still refusing to look at me, "answer the question." He's testing me. He doesn't want me to go, to chase after what his sister died for. Treatment doesn't work; we should know that by now, but something tells me I have to try. How much longer can we survive on temporary measures? It isn't too long until the Goddess comes back and takes what she's promised herself.

I have to try. As suspicious as I fear the Goddess will become - and she already will be, as Brodie's only aunt has died to try and protect him, to find a way for him to escape his unjust death - it's pointless to sit back and do nothing. There is nothing special about me, nothing that would prevent me specifically from dying during Treatment at the Goddess' wish, so I could see already this would be a difficult proposal to put across.

"Go back to bed," I urge Brodie, avoiding his question I know I don't have the guts to reply to. It's early in the morning. He doesn't budge.

I was expecting the screaming match that would follow my intent. But I'm sick - and I've been sick a long time - and more than anything, a chance at being free of physical pain sounds like something I would die to have. I know this condition I've harboured since I first met a deity will never go away, and the words 'I only have so long' are unspoken but still loud. My son might even outlive me. What have I got to lose except for him and Amon?

"Think about the logistics," Amon says. He's bringing the subject back up again and Brodie must sense this because he runs back into the living room while I press my fists into my eyes in exhaustion. We've lost so much sleep over this. "We didn't even know where she went until we found the letter under her pillow, and even then she only mentioned a 'private doctor' somewhere we were unlikely to follow her. Somewhere way up north, not easy to get to; impossible, really, without a horse - which she took and we no longer have."

"There will be others who will do it," I argue. I hope he doesn't start shouting again because I don't know if I can rise to the bait. My voice would give out.