The Outside Girl Lookin In

In too deep

Life is hard when you have friends and still feel alone. You hide everything behind a smile. People may think outside, we're all happy with no worries but we all have a struggled past we regret nowadays. Things that haunts us at night or even in our own thought bubbles. How could anyone think straight with alot on their mind? 'I don't know. Maybe I'm a different person with that kind of thinking.' Where do our thoughts go after it disappears? Anyone in general with a vibe so shallow, could only care for themselves. When you retrieve someone's vibe, it drops heavy because you're both carrying the same barrier without knowledge. How is that possible? What is the secret to this? So many things to learn. I'm only so young with mature knowledge. Who can keep up? I wonder if anyone notices my facial expressions on the low. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I have never felt so antisocial in my life. So much darkness inside of me, I would sacraficially lose myself if I let out my true side and my kindness is taken for granted. How can I express myself without any embarrassment in front of my friends? How would they think of me? What would they think of me? This path towards a great light seems so far but if I can reach it, I can help others do the same. Depression is a hard thing to get over. It drains the life out of you literally. You barley have an appetite, can't sleep at night, you'll feel real tiresome because you feel down in the dumps.

If I can talk to my guidance counselor Mrs. Sasha without her snubbing her nose at me like she's better than anyone, I can get over anything. Oh. Before I forget, my guidance counselor is a 5'3 stuck up  Jamaican woman with beautiful brown shiny skin, long straight black hair down her back. I yearn to just brush it. She is so snooty towards certain people because she thinks she's better than anyone. Anywho, she's sitting behind her desk as I walk past her giant rectangle of an office window. I knock on the door to enter.

"And what can I help you with Miss Lady." (In her Jamaican voice) Aren't you supposed to be in class with the rest of your hoodlum friends?"

"I just wanted to come and sit for a bit if you dont mind." I dont wanna go back to class just yet. I feel a bit disturbed today. Like I don't feel like myself today." I said depresively.

"Whats wrong sweetheart?" You wan ditch classwork to be in here, why? She said sarcastically. What a gwan with you for you to feel "disturbed" mocking the air quotations. "You should be in class not talkng to me in here." Anything wrong at home? "Do you want me to call your mom to come get you?"

"No! I don't need to hear her mouth about me not being in class." I gotta deal with her enough. I said looking down to the left."

"Honey what's wrong with you?" You can talk to me. Im not that bad of a person ya know. Just cause I sternly tell you and your hoodrats of friends to go to class when y'all feel the need to leave this campus and come back like nothing happened?" I know you're goin through something right now, but that doesn't give you a right to skip school with people who are no good for you." Those are not your friends Miss Thing. "Now go to class 'fore I do call ya mama to come get you."

"I'm serious Mrs. Sasha. Don't call her. I would rather go back to class and suffer til the bell rings."

"Shauntavia!" Mrs. Sasha yells as she stands up behind her desk firmly. Sit down and come talk to me. Why you don't want me to call your mom for?" Huh! What's going on that you don't want your mom here?" She hurt you? Come. Sit and talk to me." She says directing me by my shoulders to sit down. "Whats goin on at home. Tell me."

*Sighs with my hand holding the left side of my face trying not to cry**

"Mrs. Sasha, its nothing really.. I don't wanna slice your busy day in half or a third for my time. I've taken up enough and the bell is about to ring." I actually like my next class so I'm gonna go.