Meant To Be || KTH

Chapter 19

A new morning came in with its struggles but it was all worth it for my daughter. Days went by with Taehyung and me coming to a decision that we both will be taking turns to spend the day with Tiara. Every morning, I would wake up and mark a cross on days of the calendar. The day for the final hearing of custody of Tiara was coming closer as well. I continued to work from home to make ends meet. I would sometimes stay awake the whole night to complete the pending work. 

but somewhere...

I knew...

that wasn't enough.

But I have made myself a promise to work as hard as I could to provide Tiara whatever she needs. 

One day, I went to the mall with Tiara again and she came back to me with a packet of her favourite cereal. I didn't added her favourite cereal because they would add up money to the already tight flow of money. I kneeled to her level and said sweetly.

" Honey, we can't take it."

" Why ?" Her smile turned upside down.

" Mom cannot afford it. We will buy something else. Okay?" I tried to lighten up her mood.

She looked dejected and didn't respond. 

" Tiara ?" I said lifting her chin.

" Mom will buy it next time, I promise !" I smiled.

She nodded slowly still not looking at me. My smile faded for a second before I picked her up in my arms as I pushed the trolley farther away into the next aisle. I couldn't see Tiara being sad so I got her the cereal she wanted. I sat down on the bed at night counting the money that was left with me. People might think that I am simply spoiling my child. Giving her whatever she needs but that is never my intention. I'm afraid she might choose to stay with Taehyung because he is at a better place to provide her needs.

And I?

I will be...

I will be all alone.

All over again.

I brushed off the thoughts and did the remaining chores for the night. I couldn't sleep in nights. With each passing days, my fear seems to grow bigger. The date of hearing was coming  more and more closer. I was more than nervous about it. Sometimes I could wake up in cold sweat fearing my daughter will be gone. I don't want her to leave. I want her to stay. 

'She will stay with me.'

I used to tell myself.

 Every now and then.

But this wasn't enough.

The fear of losing my daughter

would bud a new question in my mind.

' What if the custody goes to Taehyung ?'

' What if she grows apart from me ?'

' What if she will stop meeting me ?'

' What if she would forget me?'

' What if she would be ashamed of me?'

A burning smell and sudden outburst of food falling out of the pan; got me back to reality. I quickly turned the stove off and took a deep breath. I held my head in my hands. I was going out of my mind. My anxiety was taking a troll on me. I poured myself a glass of water and sat down on the chair. I sipped water gradually to calm myself down. 

I decided I will look for another job which will pay me more and give me more money to support myself and Tiara. Luckily, I got a job that will let me take a break around Tiara's school time. I could pick her from school and leave her in the nearby day-care. I don't like that I have to keep Tiara in Day-care but I can't seem to find another way to go back to work without caring about Tiara's safety.