philophobia | soukoku

forget-me-not

TW: detailed cuts/blood

dazai felt himself stumble back, catching himself before he could fall. no cure. no form of help. no survival. who knows how long he had until the disease took over his body?

this sickness was going to kill him.

but this is what he wanted, right? death? the only thing he had wanted since he could last remember? sure, he wanted to die, but now it was almost as if he did have something to live for, despite what he's told himself all his life. ever since he met chuuya, he's almost wanted to live.

but now it seems as if he has no choice.

dazai shook himself out of his thoughts, coming back to his surroundings, and getting ahold of himself. he then carefully slipped the papers back in the old folder, putting it back in its place as if he was never there, then making his way to continue about his day. 

he traced the wall as he walked alongside it through the massive and ongoing hallway, surprisingly no one to be seen. 

that is, that's what he thought it was. 

"dazaiiiiii!!" a small voice called from behind him.

the boy turned around to see a bouncing kyu coming his way. 

"hello, kyu-kun." he smiled weakly, covering up any fact that he just discovered he was dying and had no idea how much longer he had left. 

"you never came back! and you were walking that way!" kyusaku pouted, crossing their arms with their precious doll still in their clutch. 

"i'm sorry, kyu-kun." dazai said, picking up the child as they extended their arms towards him. "i had other things to attend to. did you leave chuuya?"

kyusaku nodded, not caring less with a smile plastered on their face. "he didn't want to come find you."

that sentence sent a pang through dazai's heart, a feeling he knew way too well and hated. all the more evidence to this disease ending his life. nevertheless, he quickly shook it off and ignored it, like he always did. at this point, it was just part of routine.

before he could think of anything else, mori's words quickly came to him. 

forget about bonds. just find out their ability.

but he didn't want to.

he didn't want to because whenever he looked at kyusaku, he saw himself. and he hated it. it made him want to never look at the poor child ever again. it made him want to grab kyu by the arms and shout at them to run away while they still could. to go as far away as they could possibly go til their little legs gave out. to not fall as a slave to this god forsaken organization.

but none of that would matter anyway. 

this is his job. to think that the port mafia would ever consider one's feelings over cruelty would be childish. it's a deadly organization, not some daycare. even dazai knew that.

then he would just have to ignore it. in that moment, dazai pushed away any sympathy he had. he's manipulated a few couple people here and there, he can do it again. it's like a talent. he's the so called demon prodigy, this should be a breeze.

nothing stopped him from manipulating chuuya into joining the mafia, anyway.

kyusaku was just a little kid. it didn't matter. they'll get over it.

dazai ignored the chaos of his internal monologue and brought kyu closer to him so that they were eye to eye, a warm smile on his face. "why don't we go play, hm? the two of us." he smiled falsely.