That Girl Who's Dying

2~ Regrets

I couldn't bear to even look at my classmates as I walked into the classroom.

I sat down at my seat. I could smell a faint metallic scent coming from the table, but I ignored it. "Kara, you good?" Alice asked worriedly with wide eyes. I nodded, and even though I didn't show it, I was secretly grateful to her for trying to help. It was much more than anyone else had done.

What they say does not make up who you are. My mother's words from when I was younger floated into my mind. But this time, my mother was wrong.

I am Dying Girl. What they say is right. This time, I couldn't stop the tears from flowing down my face. I tried to hide it behind my textbook, but the shiny glint of light reflecting off the salt water was hard to ignore.

I was lucky my classmates left me alone from then on.

The whole lesson, I only caught bits of what Ms Smith was saying. I didn't even know what subject it was. English? Science? I didn't know. I was lost in my own thoughts.

"You know, Kara," Ms Smith sat down at an empty seat beside me. I looked around to realise that everyone had already left for recess without me knowing.

"I'm not asking you to tell me everything." She said calmly. "However, you really should try to make some friends. Good friends."

I tilted my head to one side. "I already have good friends." But in my head, I knew it wasn't true.

Ms Smith sighed. "You know that's not what I mean." She was quiet for a moment.

"I know..." I winced, venturing over the awkward silence that fell between us. "But, there are some things I don't get." Ms Smith raised a perfectly formed eyebrow.

"Such as...?"

"Well..." I started. "Whats the point of having good friends if you're going to die soon anyway? I'd just hurt them. Or perhaps, I'd make them happy by leaving them. Permanently. At least they'd forever be happy about me gone."

***

I stared disgustedly at the brown bottle filled to the brim with purple liquid. The doctor that tended to me had given me this medicine to help with the coughing, but I was unsure of the taste. Purple...would it taste like grapes?

Well, it's now or never. I poured the medicine into a tablespoon and glared at it menacingly.

"If I throw up after this, it'll be your fault." Then, I gulped down the medicine as quickly as I could without choking.

***

I was still trying to wash down the taste of medicine with water when my mother came into the kitchen.

"Kara?" She rubbed her tired eyes. "Why are you drinking so much water?"

The bitter taste was still in my mouth. I gagged, then took a deep breath. "The medicine. It's horrible."

My mother nodded, then went -or rather staggered- back up to her room to go back to sleep. Immediately, my thoughts about my cancer disappeared.

I sat down on the sofa and put my head in my hands.

Why am I so selfish? I'm here sulking about bitter medicine when mother is dealing with her insomnia. I shouldn't be bothering her like this. I won't complain from now on.

"I'm sorry mother," Tears formed in my eyes as I spoke to myself softly. "I'm sorry for making you worry about my cancer when you're already having sleep problems."

My tears flowed freely, and I didn't try to stop them this time.