Shadow of Humanity

Chapter 2: Panic

I could hear Jackie inside her apartment, likely doing some last-minute cleaning so that her apartment looked as though it was never lived in. Soon enough, the locking mechanism clicked, and the door swung open. Jackie stood staring at me with her signature smile widely spread across her face. "Come on in!" she said excitedly. "Don't mind the mess, I have been really busy lately." Stepping into the apartment, I did my normal scan of the layout. Her apartment was a one bedroom and did not have a balcony. Instead she had a fire escape landing that she often sat on in order to paint. There had been a couple of occasions when she had asked if she could paint on my balcony. I had told her to feel free to do so whenever she wanted and gave her a spare key to my apartment, although she never did so unless I was present. Breaking from my thoughts of her painting, I continued to scan the room. The television was on a local news station with the caster droning on about sports, football I think but I had little interest in it or anything else the caster had to say. The windows by the fires escape were open, which meant anyone with access to the safety feature had a direct and easy way into her apartment. "If I am not in this room, I make sure to close and lock those just like you suggested," she said, noticing that I was looking at them. "Have a seat at the table, I will get you some tea." The statement seemed like a suggestion, but I knew Jackie, and this was more of an order.

I sat at the table and waited for her to return. The kitchen was behind me so that I could face the door. My trust for her was much more viable than it was for anyone else, especially seeing as I was the only one left alive from my unit. She soon returned and placed a large mason jar of sweet tea and ice on the table. Every time I was over for dinner, she would use these, and it caused me to seriously doubt that she owned any normal glasses. After that she quickly returned to the kitchen and came back with two bowls of steaming potato soup. The weather was not cool enough to warrant hot soup, but between the rain and Jackie's superb cooking, it was easy to make the exception. She then sat beside me and opened a long container, placing a loaf of delicious looking bread on the table.

As I began to cut the bread, Jackie began to tell me all about her day. She started with talking about how the school board and administration cared little about academics and that they were overly invested in athletics, making sure to clarify that she though athletics served a purpose, just not nearly as important of one. After that she went into explaining how the parents of her students were unable to except any kind of criticism on behalf of their children. All these things combined were making her job much harder than it should have. She then switched to talking about topics that made her happy, and began talking about the volunteer work she liked to participate in. Suddenly noticing my jar was half empty, she swooped it off the table and darted into the kitchen, returning with it full to the brim. Her favorite nonprofit that she worked for was a free daycare at a local community center on Saturdays. It allowed those who needed childcare in order to work on Saturdays an affordable way to do so. When she had first started noticing me around the building, she had tried to get me to do volunteer work with her, but when that had failed, she soon switched to the handyman enlistment instead. Her position at the daycare was strictly voluntary, but according to her it more than paid for itself with the happiness it gave her.

When I had finished eating, she had been talking so much that she had not even touched her food. Instead, much to my surprise, she cleaned everything up when I had finished, and it made me realize that she had not intended to eat. Her only intention was to feed me. She then poured her soup into a sealable container and brought it back to me, continuing to talk the entire time, now moving on to her painting. Multiple of her paintings were hanging all around the apartment and they were all quite good. After a little while longer of listening to her talk, she stopped and looked at me with a sad and sincere glint in her eyes. "If you ever need to talk, I am here for you. You know that right," she finished as a tear began forming in her bright blue eyes and I could see that she was considering placing her hand on mine but decided against it. Truthfully, I would have been okay with her completing the action she had started, it had been a long time since I had experienced sincere human contact.

Not sure what to say, I thanked her with a smile and stood to leave. My back was turned for only a moment, but she had managed to get to her feet silently in that time. We stared at each other in an awkward silence for a few moments before she began to move slowly and deliberately toward me. Stretching her arms upward, she put them delicately around my neck and placed the left side of her face on my chest. Instinctively I leaned slightly forward and hugged her back. Her embrace was soft and warm, so I laid my cheek on top of her head and let myself enjoy the moment, something that I had not done in a long time. Everything seemed to slow down while I held her in my embrace until she leaned her head back and looked up at me.

Fear and panic coursed through my body as I realized what the look on her face meant. Quickly breaking contact with her I stepped back, and she must have clearly read my fear. She once more stepped forward and placed her open right hand on my cheek. "At some point I hope you decide to step out of the darkness you live in. You deserve to move on and enjoy living."

When she was finished talking, I side stepped her and returned to my own apartment. It was dark and stuffy as I shut the door behind me, making sure to lock it. Next, I pulled a bottle of vodka from my freezer and poured it quickly into a glass. I downed the drink without mixing it. What the hell is she thinking? I thought loudly inside my mind, continuing to take drinks directly from the bottle. Happiness is merely a curtain, a falsity, until you get a glimpse behind it and you see all the evil the world has to offer. How dare she lower herself to try and accommodate me into her life. She deserved someone that could offer her so much more than I would ever be able. A man that was willing to be social, that had the ability to go into places without a care. She gave enough of herself in helping others and deserved someone at home that was not another project constantly on the verge of collapsing. My mind continued to race as I downed more and more vodka, there was no longer a burning sensation as it went down my throat, so I was now basically chugging it. Why would she want to be with me? I never offered her anything more than what she asked for, I kept my distance socially. I sat down in my chair and began to cry for a moment as so many hated emotions came rushing into my mind. Hopelessness, failure, anger, fear. So many things that I managed to push down daily now barraged me as though making up for all the times I had ignored them. Then the thoughts of the devastated life Jackie would have to endure if she was with me, the constant defusing of the bombs inside my head. The constant guilt of having survived what so many others did not. The paranoia and anxiety that encompassed every single aspect of life. How could she not see how incredibly dreadful that would be for her, how could she think I could offer her anything more than sadness. I had started pacing now, beating myself up internally as I finished my first bottle of vodka. Dropping the bottle heavily on the floor I moved to the freezer and recovered the second bottle, tipping the bottom of it skyward. My mind continued to attack itself as I slowly and surely drank myself into blackness.