The Storm

Chapter 5

Davis

The one steady emotion I've felt in the past two years has been pain. When I wake up, when I go to bed, there is some form of sorrow I carry around with me. I have gotten exceptionally good at acting like I'm okay. I can smile and be polite, even charming when the occasion calls for it. Most people outside my immediate circle comment on how well I'm 'handling' everything. But despite what everyone sees, I'm not handling anything. I swing between sorrow and anger most days. It all falls under the main emotion of pain. I'm used to pain. It's what I've grown accustomed to feeling like all day, every day. Until yesterday that is. I could feel my anger building when Daisy called me out for my blatant absence in my son's life. Who the hell was she to point out the obvious? 

The woman has guts, I'll give her that. Everyone has been tip-toeing around me since Sabrina died. But not Daisy. She spoke up for the one person who matters. Archer. And despite my anger, Daisy won my respect. I completely underestimated the delicate woman with the pink hair I had hired. She cares about my boy. And when she pulled out the step stool so she could look me in the eye to rip me a new asshole, I felt something I hadn't felt in a long time.

Desire. 

It's strange to feel angry and horny at the same time. Sabrina and I never had screaming matches. Our personalities gelled in a way that we rarely fought. I'm actually surprised we didn't fight more since Sabrina was an attorney and loved to argue. 

But Daisy, whoa. She had no compunction to step right up to me and tell me, in not so many words, I need to make my son a priority. And she is right. She figured out in four weeks what it took me a year to confess to in therapy. 

I feel like I didn't deserve Archer because I lost Sabrina. I was the one that talked her into IVF after all her miscarriages. Sabrina wanted to adopt but I insisted on a child of our own. We had been trying for 8 years. It wasn't impossible; we just needed help. After a year she finally agreed. Six eggs fertilized; only two became embryos. We had both implanted and got Archer. He was our miracle. Our reward for years of disappointment. 

And it cost me my wife. My beautiful Sabrina died to give me our son. If I had only known, I would have adopted ten kids for her. It wouldn't have mattered so much to have a child of my own. I wouldn't have been so stubborn. What kind of man was I that I needed a biological child so badly? There were so many kids that needed families, that had been Sabrina's argument. 

Now that I got what I wanted, I feel like I don't deserve him. I love Archer, more than my own life. Sabrina did too. I just feel like he would be better off not knowing what kind of man, one that would do that to his wife. It's why I hired nannies and guilted my sisters into helping me this far. Anyone would be a better influence on him than me. I've been too distracted by my pain anyway. I am six kinds of fucked up. Sabrina would be ashamed of the way I am now. A pitiful excuse for a man and father. I placed more importance on what I wanted than what I had already. 

I clean up the dishes from dinner and go upstairs. I can hear Archer laughing and splashing in the bathtub. I go into my bedroom and change into sweats and a t-shirt. I peek out the door and see Daisy carrying Archer, wrapped up in a towel, to his bedroom. He has his chubby little hands on her cheeks and he's kissing her. I can hear her talking and laughing with him. Archer's laugh is like music to my ears. My heart swells with love for him. I can hear Daisy humming a song while she dresses him. 

It's not till the next day that Daisy's message comes in crystal clear to me. I'm getting dressed for work. It's five in the morning. Daisy and Archer are still asleep. I'm fastening my watch on my wrist when I hear a tapping on Archer's bedroom door, from the inside. 

"Open pease," Archer calls out in a teary voice. I open the door and there stands Archer, whimpering in tears holding the cuddle blanket that he sleeps with.