Can You Keep A Secret?

Growing Up Too Fast

"When you are left with no other choice, you do what's best for everyone"

Sometimes the only choice isn't the best choice... I learned that the hard way. It's like one day I'm only ten years old and the next day I feel like I've been in this world for ten thousand years already. It's like one day you're a kid, the next day you're an adult.

(EDIT: Read the next part at your own risk... though I'll probably kill you before the spirit do-)

I was controlled by a spirit who escaped from Tartarus. I don't know how it got here but... he made me a deal... and it just sounds like the best deal in the whole entire world. I don't know how I can refuse it.

He told me I could get away from reality, a place where I can be... you know... me. He said that I should just give up, that it'll be best if he gets to control me, I'll be freer. I know now that it's not true, he only wants to control me because he wants to take over the world.

I don't know why he chooses me, I don't know. I really want to find out the truth. What makes me so special? What is it that he wants from me? I don't want any of my family members getting hurt, but now it feels impossible. Maybe that's why I'm writing here in this diary. Or journal, or just a talkless book. I don't know, I guess I just want to write down my problems somewhere especially since an hour ago, I just erased my family's whole memory of the day and planted alternate memories.

They just awoke, I know I'll need to lie to them, I know all the sacrifice I'll need to make. But I also know I don't need to make those sacrifices... one will call me selfish but I can't bear to see their disappointing look no matter where I go.

I don't know if I can live with knowing that I can do better but I just... gave in. But I don't know how I can live knowing that I might be lying to their face from this day on. I wish everything turns out better... maybe I should have do something else. But I... that was the only thing that came to mind.

Now the spirits live in me, refuse to leave no matter what I do or say. I don't know how I can live with it.

The only reason I come back to reality is because I almost killed Jayne. I almost killed her! I'm glad I didn't, I know my mind wouldn't be able to take that if I killed her. Guilt is a powerful emotion... and it happens to be my fatal flaw. I can't feel too much guilt even though all I can feel is guilt right now. I'll try to stop that later. 

Wait... someone's coming in, I'll be right back.

~~~

Ignore that line break I added above, just thought it might help to know I was writing this two different times. It hurt though when I see their faces.

They don't know what happened earlier that day, they don't know that I almost killed them, they don't know what I did... 

I feel more alone than ever, but maybe that's for the best. 

And I think now you, awesome book, might be wondering how I erased all of their memories, right? Well, I don't know how I pull it off either. All I know is that the memories CAN be trigger again, especially Jayne's memory because I need to erase all the pain she went through...

She came into my room just now, telling me what a fun day she had at her birthday party. I could only nod and smile, I don't trust myself to speak, fearing anything I say will trigger her memory. I still keep the necklace she threw at me in the morning... I gave it to her, she threw it back. I don't know if I should give it back, I really don't know.

It hurts, so much to see her. I think I'm being selfish... I really am. I make her remember something that isn't real. Something I made up.

I'm so selfish, gods, so selfish... I want to do something, I want to just burst out about what I did but I couldn't. I don't know what to do anymore. 

I know one thing though, I can't let the spirit take over, I can't feel alone. I won't, I can't. But I know from this day on I need to avoid Jayne... she can't remember. Maybe just act cheerful around others, I don't know...

I need to go now... wish me luck I guess.