The One Where Cas Dies; and Dean Loves Him Too

Dean Loved Him Too

This was it. They were going to die. Cas was going to die. Because of him. At that moment he could've thought of a billion regrets, people he couldn't save, mistakes he couldn't fix, but none of those mattered. Because the only regret he cared about right now was that Cas was going to die because of him. And he couldn't save him.

Bang. Castiel's sigil flared with light as Death pounded on the door to the archives room.

"Everybody's gonna die, Cas. Everybody. I can't stop it." He looked at Cas helplessly. I can't save him.

Bang. Bang.

"She's gonna get through that door," He looked at Cas again, but Cas refused to return his gaze. The angel was concentrating on the floor, fixated on a dent in the concrete.

"I know."

"And she's gonna kill you. And then she's gonna kill me."

Bang.

"I'm sorry." Cas had looked at him for only a second, but it was enough for Dean to see how hopeless he was too.

Everything. They'd been through everything. Cas had always been there, even when he wasn't. Even when Dean was alone, Cas was there. He could feel it. That presence in the back of his mind that told him things would be okay, even when the rest of the world was crumbling down around him and he felt like he was nothing more than dust on the ground already. His mother had been right. Angels were watching over him. And most of the time that sucked, angels were dickbags. But not Cas, oh God never Cas. Cas was the one great exception of the universe.

And Dean was about to be the death of him.

"Wait," Dean looked up. Cas had that look, the one that meant he was about to come up with something either absolutely genius or possibly suicidal. "There is- there's one thing she's afraid of. There's- there's one thing strong enough to stop her." And you didn't think to mention this before?? Wait, Dean had a feeling whatever followed wasn't going to be something he wanted to hear. He listened anyway.

"When Jack was dying, I- I made a deal, to save him." Shit.

"You what?"

"The- the price was my life. When I experienced a moment of true happiness, the empty would be summoned and it would take me forever." Cas looked at him with such raw emotion he couldn't look away. Jack. Of course Cas would do anything for Jack. Dean had tried for so long to feel the same way about the kid, but, he just couldn't. Maybe if Cas hadn't- but Jack had brought him back after he- he died. But the damage had been done. Dean knew he would never truly forgive him for what happened to Cas. And he hated himself for it. It wasn't Jack's fault. He'd barely been alive yet. But... no. It didn't matter. It doesn't matter anymore. Not right now.

"Why are you telling me this now?"

Bang. Death was getting closer.

"I always wondered, ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be. What- what my true happiness could even look like. And I never found an answer. Because the one thing I want, it's something I know I can't have."

Bang.

"But I think I know- I think I know now. Happiness isn't in the having, it in just being. It's in just saying it."

"What are you talking about man?"

"I know- I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive, and you're angry and you're broken and you're your daddy's blunt instrument. And you think that hate and anger, that's- that's what drives you, that's who you are. It's not. And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love, you fought for this whole world for love. That is who you are."

Bang.

"You're the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know."

Bang.

Cas was beginning to cry now and it took everything Dean had to keep from doing the same. Cas had no idea. He had no idea about the thing that Dean really loved. The person. He would never know just how much he meant to Dean, and the thought made Dean want to scream.

"You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you outta hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. But I cared about Sam, I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world, because of you."

Screw screaming, Dean wanted to break something. Cry, destroy shit, strangle Death and watch the light fade from her eyes and laugh like a psychopath as he stood over her corpse and yeah, he'd scream too. He'd scream 'till his throat was fucking raw.

And then he'd grab Cas and get him the hell outta here. They could go somewhere, build a new world away from God and the Empty and the fucking Rapture and just be them. Whatever they were, they could figure it out. Whatever the hell was happening right here, Cas shouldn't have to wait until the literal end of the world to open up to Dean.

Bang. None of that was possible though. He'd been too late, why do revelations always come when there's no possible way to realize them? They did though, so Dean just swallowed it down and kept listening.

"You changed me, Dean." Cas shouldn't look like this. Why did he look like this? Dean was getting confused. Not confused. Overwhelmed. Too much. Or not enough? Wait, no, what is happening?

"Why does this sound like a goodbye?"

"Because it is." Oh God. Oh God- wait, not God. Oh- oh no. Of course it was a goodbye, a last confession or whatever. That had been obvious from the beginning. Hell, Dean had been through so many of these things he was practically the leading expert on the subject. That didn't make it hurt any less to hear Cas say it.

"I love you."

"Don't do this, Cas." This isn't fair. You don't get to tell me what I've been waiting to hear for twelve years and then just leave me. It's not fair.

Bang. Another sound, a slick, slimy sound coming from behind him. Whipping around, he sees it. A dark, slimy mass to match the slimy sound. It looks like dirty engine grease, the stuff that any mechanic inevitably was covered in any time they worked on an old car. Dean had lost more than a few good shirts to the stuff.

This was the Empty. This was where Cas was going to be.

Forever.

"Cas,"

"Goodbye, Dean." Cas puts his hand on Dean's shoulder. Is- is he going to kiss me? Dean thinks he might for a moment, before he goes flying into the wall and regains his bearings only to see Cas being covered by that engine grease. Drowning in the Empty.

Another "arm" of grease shoots over Dean's head and snatches Death like a kid grabbing the last piece of bacon at breakfast. Dean hadn't even noticed her come in.

Then she's gone, and Dean looks back to see Cas almost completely covered. Only his face is still poking out, like the Empty wanted him to see it as it took him. But he didn't look scared, he looked at peace. He looked like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders, Dean supposed one had. He wouldn't realize until later, but a weight had been lifted from Dean's as well. Cas loved him, and he knew Dean knew it. Somehow that made Dean happy, knowing his best friend - and what possibly could've been more - was happy. And he was happy because of him.

Then he was gone.

Whatever comfort Dean had felt seemed to be sucked out of the room with Castiel. Suddenly he was cold, in a dark, dimly lit room all by himself.

***

Sam called him. There was no way of knowing how long he'd been sitting there when the phone started vibrating. He didn't answer. A stupid decision, he knew. What if it was an emergency? What if Sam was calling to make sure he wasn't dead? Well, he was. At least he needed to be for a few more minutes. He would come back to the living in a while, but for now he just needed to cry.

He would cry for Cas.

Cas.