Three yellow roses

Evermore

To my luminary,

08/30

Why in our times of life-changing events do things spring back on you like a ship crashing onshore? I wonder if you could've answered this. I miss you, so much. Everywhere I look, something reminds me of you. I feel your presence deep in my heart. You gave me unconditional love and I feel your presence constantly. It is nice, but sometimes so awful, I wade in the pools of tears every night. Something reminds me of you and I remember happily, then in seconds, waves are crashing down. The color of the flowers, even the plant I decided to purchase, knowing you had picked out this very plant too. The music speaks to me of our memories and how we used to eat the same little chocolate squares I do now. How the brush of wind against my shoulder reminds me of the time we sat and enjoyed the garden on a sunny day. They are all full of illusions of you and you are a part of me; the other half. I miss us so much; I wish you were still here, and I feel regret when I look at the time that has passed since I last brought you roses. I just wish I could write a letter and tell you everything that has been happening, and then it would be alright. I wish it would work, but it's impossible for a response. It kills me still today; more than five years have passed, and my life has changed so much but I still grieve every day and can't get over the fact my other half is gone.

- I need you

09/01

It's raining, and I would like to think they are your tears grieving with me. All I can think about is how I miss you and I love you. I wish you were still here; I want those nights back where we laugh and cry over dumb things. The late nights where we would whisper to not wake up anyone in the living room. How we would make pancakes at midnight and share in secrets by the table. Those moments meant so much to me. I wish the universe would've given me the opportunity to see you one last time.  I wanted to learn all that I could from you. I wish I could hear your sweet voice again, filling my head with life. But I can't.

- I need you

11/21

It's been a while since we last talked. I think about you all the time, daily now. I think about how you taught me so much, how to be kind, how to be myself, how to appreciate everything. My earlier version used to express so much, almost every detail. But, ever since you've vanished, I've built a wall and blamed it on my pain. I get angry and feel the puzzle pieces break apart inside me. I need your embrace. I need you to tell me it will be okay. I know deep down it will be, but it's hard to go on alone. I had thought I found someone who could help me. I wish you could meet him; he is something wonderful, but I am beginning to struggle. I am not challenged, it's like I have a little follower. I am happy and can be myself with him, sharing everything and anything. However, I am never surprised, no little "thinking of you" notes. No, "hey come with me, I want to show you something." Maybe I am living in a fantasy and increasing an unreal expectation, but I wish you could tell me what to do. It tears me apart. I want our spark back. It hurts to even think that we might be fading, but I won't give up. I wonder if that thought is wrong. What happens if I keep trying and not realizing it is not fixable? I need your guidance.

* * *

I have grown closer to God recently, thanks to new inspiration. I really wish I could talk to you about it. We could go sit in the garden on the swinging bench and chat and talk again. Like we used to. It was nice, a simple infinity I would be happy to remain. Life was full of sunshine, birds, and laughter. Now I am pained every day with stress, exhaustion, and grief. You were my sun. I do love the rain, but I need my sunshine. I miss your glow, the way all my worries faded away with one look, one smile. The green crewneck, the embroidered bird, the late nights out in the living room just listening to the song of the clocks on the walls. It was nice. Maybe I am just nostalgic...