𝐕𝐔𝐋𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐄 ✰ v. hacker

TWENTY-ONE | IRL

𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒏𝒊𝒆

There they were again, lying in the grass, looking up at the stars. After having skated for a good long while, Riley had taught Vinnie some tiktok dances. Now they were getting tired but didn't want to go home yet. So, they were watching the stars again, enjoying each other's presence before they had to leave.

"I have a question for you," Riley spoke up, picking at a blade of grass.

"Shoot."

After hesitating for a second, she asked, "Why thirst traps?"

He laughed. "Why, you don't like them? I've seen your comments."

"Oh noooo." Riley covered her face with her hands, shaking her head and laughing. "I didn't say I didn't like them." He could see her cheeks blushing underneath her hands. "I mean, you look good, of course..."

"I'm teasing." A smile played on his lips, but didn't still answer right away. Finally, he began. "I don't know...they get a lot of views, I guess. Honestly, I don't love tiktok as much as I used to. But it keeps my career afloat and that keeps me keep living here, so I keep making them."

"You don't like making them?" asked Riley.

"Oh, I do, don't get me wrong. But I would probably post more skating videos if I didn't care about views." After a second's pause, he added, "I guess it's about validation."

"I understand that," Riley agreed. "I'd feel good if I had millions of people fawning over me."

"That's exactly the thing." Vinnie sat up, looking her in the face. "It doesn't make me feel validated. It doesn't make me feel good. That's what I've struggled with for forever."

"I mean, come on," he continued, "It's just ungrateful and stupid for me not to feel good after having all these girls in love with me. What's wrong with me?"

The question hung in the air. After a pause, Riley sat up next to him, wrapping her arms around him and resting her head on his shoulder. "Nothing's wrong with you."

He looked at her. She smiled. "Here's what I think. We're not made to live for other people. So why would we be happy when a purpose gets fulfilled that we weren't intended to live for?" Vinnie didn't answer, so she went on. "You have to live for something else. But what that is, you have to figure out for yourself. Whatever God has for your life, I guess."

"I can't figure that out." He shook his head. "That's the problem."

Riley reached up and touched his face. "But you won't find out what the purpose for your life is if you end it now."

Without speaking, he reached out to take her in his arms. There they stayed for a while, just holding each other.

"I don't know what I'd do without you." He whispered. "But I have to know, why do you care so much about me?"

Riley's expression dropped and her gaze fell, playing with his hands in her lap.

"My brother committed 5 years ago. I guess you could say I have a personal connection to the subject."

"Wow. I'm so sorry." Vinnie's eyebrows furrowed with concern and he hugged her tighter. "I had no idea."

"I didn't expect you to know," she said, shrugging. Her eyes lifted to meet his, and he could see the sincerity in them.

"I don't know why he decided to stop living. We think he was just lonely. He said he didn't have anyone to talk to and he didn't have any purpose to living anymore. Life was hard on him."

When Vinnie nodded, she went on. "But he did have so many people who cared about him. It bothered me how he couldn't see that. His death his everyone hard, especially my family. I don't want anyone to go through what we did."

Vinnie swallowed and cleared his throat. "It's true what people say, suicide is a selfish thing to do."

"No, it's not." Riley cut him off. "The person who tries to end their life thinks they're helping everyone else. They just need love. They're not selfish."

Her statement hung in the air in silence. A lump was forming in his throat, and he couldn't bring himself to speak. He'd never felt this way before...so understood, like everything in his life wasn't his fault. For the first time in his life, it was like the clouds were starting to leave, and the smallest bit of sun was creeping through. He wanted to cry, break down, and tell her how her words meant to him, but he knew he wouldn't be able to get the words out.

So he just held her, hugging her closely as though she might disappear at any moment.

That was another one of his fears.

His emotions had long been involved in his relationship with Riley, but he still hadn't told her what he really felt towards her. What if she didn't feel the same about him? What if she wasn't as genuine as he had thought? The fear of her leaving him but having access to all his deepest secrets and biggest fears terrified him.

But she wouldn't leave him. She wouldn't, right? He felt like he knew her too much for her to have those kinds of doubts.

But for now, she was here in his arms, and that was he would choose to think about for now.

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